


If That's What It Takes

by Sombereyes



Category: Mai-HiME
Genre: Drama, F/F, Falling In Love, Romance, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-14
Updated: 2013-09-28
Packaged: 2017-12-08 10:12:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 21,244
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/760190
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sombereyes/pseuds/Sombereyes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Why did you want to come with me? Why force yourself to feel something that you simply can't? What are you so afraid of? Why were you trembling? Shizuru has questions, Natsuki needs answers. Together, they're going to muddle through it, the only way they know how. Shiz/Nat, HiME universe...T for now, rating may change later.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: Yes, yes...I know, I have a VERY bad habit of letting my brain run wild with fan fiction...sorry, call it a fan-butch hazard...anyway, this is something I'm farting around with more so than anything...the name of the fiction is based off the song by Celine Dion...I would recommend looking it up on youtube, or itunes, or something, if you haven't heard the song...not that you need to do it, to really enjoy this fiction, but it does explain the basic idea of the story.
> 
> This is going to be T for now... it may go up later, it may not...ummm, yeah...enjoy...
> 
> I don't own Mai HiME.

**Chapter 1**

Shizuru yawned as she woke up from the bed, finding it empty, and sighed. She didn't expect it to be any different, after all it always seemed to be. _Empty...again._ Her home was on the outskirts of the main city. She liked to escape and get a little peace and quiet every now and then. There wasn't anything wrong with wanting to be a little lonely. It made the heart fonder, after all, but, when that loneliness lingered, it hurt. _Natsuki...why do you do that._ The milky white sheets were devoid of anything but the scent of sports deodorant. Something most assuredly belonging to Natsuki. Shizuru cursed at that, as she parted her lips, trying desperately to remember to breathe, but not even that could register. _Why do you push yourself?_

She half expected to see dark biking leathers draped over the clothing rack, or rumpled up on the floor. Of course, that was dreaming for more than she knew she should be. Not even a thing had changed, and there was no sign of life. She knew Natsuki was mystery, for most, but that's what had been bugging her. In fact, that was her entire reason for this trip. To get away. To hide. To run...to forsake everything she thought she felt. _Why did you want to come with me?_ A shuttering breath was more than enough of a call, and when Shizuru closed her eyes, she could see the image of that lone figure following her all night. _Why force yourself to feel something that you simply can't?_

Shizuru realized then, just what the predicament was. After all, she'd tried, disparately hard, to keep her own feelings locked away. _I won't leave you._ She wanted to keep Natsuki close, all the while pushing her further and further away. _But...this hurts._ It was a confusing torrent that sparked animosity, fighting, and even, the lingering fears and uncertainty. That type of thing beckoned frightened emerald eyes. _What are you so afraid of?_

However, unlike Shizuru thought, Natsuki wasn't running away from her, nor was she letting go. She remembered how tightly that gloved arm had latched onto her wrist, but as painful as it had been, the tears that had poured freely from Natsuki's eyes hurt worse. _Why were you trembling?_

It was then Shizuru realized she'd gotten what she felt she needed, in the worst way possible. Somehow, by trying to keep her feelings in check, without knowing it, she'd built a wall that frightened Natsuki. It threatened to tear them apart, and the turmoil engulfed them. They needed a vacation, a reprieve, a way out from everything that the battles had been. What they needed most, was what caused this entire mess in the first place.

Distance...

A time to think, and reflect on their own time, and in her own way. Shizuru needed that the most, and Natsuki's brand of searching often caused trouble. Shizuru supposed, that if they were going to muddle through things, it may as well be together. Still, her heart trembled in the worst of ways, fearing her every move would be taken in the wrong way. Shizuru was never going to abandon Natsuki, but, she could tell that Natsuki would insist to come along. A long night's drive brought them here, to the outskirts of everything that could possibly trouble them.

Now, they were stuck here alone.

Natsuki too, had been searching for an answer that wasn't quite so far out of reach, and yet, it wasn't as easily defined as Shizuru wished it would be. Natsuki was edging closer, over time, to Shizuru in ways the woman of tawny tresses wasn't quite so sure about. It seemed almost as if Natsuki wanted to act upon something, and would almost even try, only to come up short. Natsuki was driving her crazy, and most people would have thought Natsuki's natural curiosity would have been a good thing.

 _It should have been, I should be happy._ Shizuru assumed, even as she found Natsuki sleeping outside in the morning sun, the puppy she'd acquired not a few months ago now nearly big enough to be a pillow. It wasn't quite so easy though. Natsuki had become for better or for worse, a different person after the carnival. She was more calm, a tiny bit more mellow. However, Natsuki was still as single minded as ever, and her pursuit of something left her frustrated if it eluded her.

Determination and Natsuki weren't always a good mix. _I've always loved that about her...love...damn it, Natsuki._

It was however the mix that had been aimed not so gently in Shizuru's general direction. Shizuru sighed at that, this was a dangerous game...dangerous, and oh so addictive. She contemplated splashing herself with the ice water she'd acquired from the kitchen, but settled for chomping on the cubes instead, trying desperately to keep her eyes off of the exposed belly that was chiseled into fine womanly abs. There was something hard about Natsuki. _Hard and defined, strong and powerful._..and yet there was more to it than simply that... _her very strength is softened by her more womanly passions._ An exceedingly large wardrobe collection something Natsuki took pride in. She had an affinity for bra's and panties, but there were even times when Natsuki found herself addicted to entire lines from a distributor.

Hugo Boss, one of her favorites, often cluttered her already packed closet. While it was true Natsuki didn't often dress womanly, and hated skirts with a vengeance, she was always one for blazers, something Shizuru took a particular level of amusement in. Natsuki wasn't the type to wear elegant, or frilly things, but rather, she wished to damn it all to hell. _She can make a white shirt look like a masterpiece._ Especially if it happened to be one of the ones found in the man's section. Natsuki would wear it around the house for comfort, or before bed. It was just long enough to tease wickedly, and short enough that someone could see the form fitting boy shorts that Natsuki had on.

Shizuru frowned when she realized why Natsuki wasn't actually using her side of the bed. When had their friendship become so complicated? When did Natsuki herself, push beyond the lines? This was all very confusing, and once again, Shizuru realized her escape was not quite an escape. It was as if she was locked away in a prison...one she'd built herself, painstakingly so.

"Shizuru...do you think that this is okay?" The murmur had been so quiet, Shizuru had to stop and think about the fact that Natsuki's voice was hardly a tremble.

"I wish I knew." It was all Shizuru could say as she looked down at Natsuki's form. Each time her heart beat, it felt heavy. Her bare feet upon the wood floor seemed like a drum as she neared the woman, kneeling down. A soft wane of remorse drifting across her face as her thumb pulled away the stray tear. "Crying doesn't suit you."

"If that's what you think, you don't really know me at all." Natsuki's lips hardly moved, as she closed those stern emerald eyes of hers. "People always tell others, to do what their heart tells them." Then, her eyes opened slowly revealing all of the vulnerability she truly felt. "But, what do I do, when my heart feels like it's being crushed..." The blink of an eye, and yet, so much truth poured out. "And, no matter what I do, it won't go away. What do I do?"

"You try to heal the wounds." Though, she doubted anything could mend the slowly crumbling world around them. Once again, those eyes shimmered with something that seemed like a haunted figment of the past. _Oh...you do love to play dangerously...don't you, my Natsuki._ Slowly, a hand came up to cup Shizuru's cheek. It was cool, and clammy. "Natsuki...don't do this." Shizuru sighed as she pulled the hand away, and kissed every single knuckle. _Don't force yourself into difficult places._ "I love you, but, you don't have to return that."

"Idiot." Natsuki let it fly quickly, but quietly from her mouth. "It's not that I don't want to be that way." She looked away at that, focusing on the puppy paw in front of her, rubbing it with the back of one of her fingers. "I've just gotten the hang of having friends." A deep red blush covered her face, made more apparent from the black fur around her. "I don't know how to do anything else."

"You could have fooled me, on several occasions." The admission was endearing, but it was also a reminder of just how petrified Natsuki was. "What is it?" Those glistening emerald eyes were focused right upon her lips.

"N-nothing." Natsuki replied after she sat up and turned away.

Shizuru could only smile softly. _If that's what my Natsuki wants...that's what she'll get._ Slowly, as not to startle her, she edged closer, so that their knees were touching. "Come here." Even as she said the words, her hands were already cupping Natsuki's blush stained cheeks, chastely pressing her lips to Natsuki's own.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I fully agree with the feeling that Natsuki is a strong character...but, she actually does cry in one of the episodes...and there are many instances when she's on the verge of tears All of those scenes are when Shizuru is either the topic, or when she's around. The episode when she does cry, is when she's talking to Shizuru, and that one dog is licking her face...anyway Natsuki tells Shizuru that although she called out for Duran many times, he didn't come to her.
> 
> There is another scene, (when Natsuki's laying on the futon bandaged up) that she looks away from Shizuru to compose herself. Even during their fights, there are times when she frowns deeply, and Natsuki's eyes begin to water. So, yes, Natsuki can cry, she fully capable of doing it, she just does it rarely...and she probably hates it when she does. I like that side of her, and I use it often in my other stories too. My reason for depicting Natsuki in a weaker light, is because that is her fatal character flaw...and I love that it's her flaw.
> 
> She is very strong, but, to love anyone, you have to accept some level of weakness. Natsuki doesn't have a concept of how to do that effectively, especially not at first, or in the anime flashbacks. Natsuki's strong willed, and nothing can stop her from punching someone in the face, or even her own death in the battles, taking Shizuru with her. However, if one stops to think about it, she's that strong because she's had no one to really fall back on. In order to drop guards, and act on particular feelings, it would take time.
> 
> It would be nice to think they had an instant happily ever after, but that wouldn't fit Natsuki or Shizuru...who are both very strong, motivated, and solitary women. They are both the types that may want to be in love, but would have to work through a lot of smaller barriers first. Shizuru has her own problems that I won't touch on in this AN, but, I will say she has enough of her own hangups to make a relationship difficult. In Natsuki's case, simply put, it would be a learning process. The kind of awareness needed for a romantic relationship, is the kind Natsuki doesn't have as soon as the anime ends.
> 
> We know she gets to that point, but it doesn't happen over night. I hope that cleared up why I'm depicting Natsuki in this way. I hope you guys can enjoy this type of view on Natsuki, and I hope you like this chapter.
> 
> I do not own Mai HiME, nor the song by Celine Dion.

**Chapter 2**  
 _You're the bravest of hearts, you're the strongest of souls_  
You're my light in the dark, you're the place I call home  
You can say it's all right, but I know that you're breaking up inside

* * *

Perhaps it was the way the morning seemed so tense, even in the tranquility, or even that the night before had been squeezing the anxiety out of both of them. Whatever the reason was, Shizuru was unsure. All she knew was that she wanted to put the kiss out of her mind, at least for now. It wasn't that she wanted to avoid it, she just hadn't a clue what to say.

"You should eat something." Shizuru brought out a glass tray, carrying it to where Natsuki was sitting, watching the morning sun as it slowly got higher in the sky. Idly, the puppy from earlier was already playing, chewing up an old sock. With playful growls, Natsuki pulled the sock away, laughing as the little pup lunged at it again. "I know you haven't been eating well at all." They were both happy to just let the morning drift on by.

Fate however, had other plans. "You don't have to worry about that." Natsuki replied, looking away from Shizuru, touching her lips with her fingertips. Shyly, she looked over, as Shizuru set the table that was outside. The warmth lingered on her lips, and took her back to something that had gone on only a little over an hour before. It was the same warmth that Natsuki had felt the day of the HiME battle. That same lingering feeling. _Shizuru..._ Natsuki had to admit, this feeling in her chest, while soothing, was not at all a comfort. "Mai cooks all the time, so, I'm eating okay."

It wasn't exactly a lie. Mai did cook all the time...it just, it failed to be the complete truth.

"You haven't been sleeping well, either." It wasn't an accusation, but merely an observation. "I'm sorry if this bothers you, but I do worry." Shizuru worried more than ever, as she glanced down to the small bruise forming in her wrist. They had to talk about this, there was no doubt in her mind. "Mai worries too, Natsuki." _I think a lot of people do._ As she sat down at the table, proceeding to partake of a small piece of toast, she sighed, elegantly putting it back down on her plate. "Mai always coddles you, like a lost child." That was the one thing Shizuru couldn't push away. "Sometimes I forget that you don't like to be looked after."

"It's not..." Natsuki sighed as she turned, leaving the puppy, and the sock alone. "That's not it." Instinctively, she pulled her legs closer to her, so that she could rest her chin on her knees. "People can't be alone, right?" That was the one thing she learned from everything. It was impossible to live completely alone. "They need others." Still, even if she knew that now, with crystal clarity, that didn't make things easier. _But, how do you do that?_ Natsuki hadn't a clue. "Even me." _How do they let themselves fall to the mercy of someone like that?_ She'd been pondering for some time, coming up short. _Even if it is a person that's most important._ "I'm just not used to it."

Shizuru watched as Natsuki pushed herself up from the floor, to sit at the table, where a hearty breakfast was waiting for her. Shizuru's simple meal, was unlike Mai's. Natsuki was used to seeing a table covered in food, most of it so delectable, there were times she even forgot to glop mayonnaise onto her plate until the middle of her meal. This omelet was not like that, it was simple. A few pieces of toast had been gifted sweet jam, and rice was in a bowl on the side. It was meager when compared to anything Mai did. "Thank you for the food." It was endearing in it's own way, subtle, just like Shizuru herself. As Natsuki cut into the omelet easily, she looked up to see the frown on Shizuru's face, and sighed deeply. "It's okay, really...I don't mind people looking after me every now and then. I just don't like it all the time."

"I'm sorry." Shizuru spoke quickly as she clutched at that fabric of her clothes. "I don't mean to misunderstand your intentions." It was still unknown at best. Not even Natsuki, herself, could clearly define that tidbit. "I don't want you to pity me, or my feelings." She tried to smile, but forcing herself to look truly happy wasn't going to work. "I didn't come up here to try and run away from you. I felt as if I needed space...but I would have come back." The warm tea was a distraction she needed more than she could admit, and nearly burnt herself as she brought the cup to her lips. "I never meant to upset you."

The tense air that lingered around them, swirled in ways that Natsuki wasn't comfortable with. "You're much easier to manage, when you make jokes." Natsuki could handle that, even if her life became some horrific comedy routine. She kept herself busy by eating, pulling her eyes off of the woman in front of her. When no reply came, however, she looked up into crimson orbs that were far deeper than mere conjecture. "It wasn't that I didn't notice, it was that I wasn't looking." Natsuki explained, knowing why Shizuru had made so many comments back then. "I am now." It all made sense.

"I've no need to make those jokes." With very measured hesitance, Shizuru began to eat. "Besides, it really isn't any laughing matter." The omelets were bright yellow, just like the sun. Fluffy and warm, without being difficult. _I wish my life could be such a way._ In truth, it was quite a bit more complicated than what could easily be explained. While it was true she was popular, and had stern parents, that wasn't the all consuming difficulty that kept her awake at night. "My love for you, is a very possessive kind." Shizuru feared the worst of it, already knowing what her capabilities were. "You were right, when you told me you could not return the feeling." _In truth, nobody should be able to feel something so awful._ "I hope to the gods above, that you never do." _These twisted feelings..._ "Still, even as I say that, I wish that you could amuse my less than desirable attributes."

"Isn't that what friends do anyway?" Natsuki wasn't so sure about it herself, as she let it slip from her lips. Still, it was the conclusion she'd come to. "Mai doesn't like everything that I do, but, she doesn't hate me for it." She bit her lip, reaching for her own cup of tea, gulping it down quickly before pouring herself another from the kettle. "Can't it be that way for other things too?" Natsuki felt that way, even if Shizuru could be overwhelming during the best of times. "Can't feelings be accepted, even if they aren't completely understood?"

"Yes." Still, every time those emerald eyes shimmer in things that screamed of the unknown, Shizuru felt her heart quicken, and her breath catch in her throat. "I suppose they can." Natsuki was trying to dig deeply, that addled Shizuru. _The question then must become something entirely different, my Natsuki...forgive me._ Carefully, Shizuru regarded Natsuki with a pressing gaze. "However, to accept something like that, it would not be easy to even the most giving of people." How could she expect Natsuki to understand the true depth of the situation. "It would require you to act without impulsiveness." Though, that was the difficultly of Natsuki's nature. "I understand that you want to explore this feeling, Natsuki. However, in doing so, you're playing at a dangerous game." With a sigh, she looked away. "I'm a willful person, and wish dearly for my dreams to become a reality."

"You can even be possessive...just, make sure that you're gentle too." Natsuki frowned at that. _I don't have dreams like that...but, even so..._ "When I kissed you that day before we died, I didn't do it, just so that I could take it lightly. I may not have had clear intentions, but, I did intend to kiss you...even if nothing else." _What does that really mean, though?_ Natsuki cleared her throat a little, perhaps more on edge than she thought. "I admit that I don't understand it, but that's why it bothers me." If she knew how to control her heart, and pull it away from everyone, she would have done it a long time ago. "I'm your burden, Shizuru." Now, she didn't have the luxury. "You have to take responsibility, for the fact that I care about you."

The admission was deep enough, to hint at something far more, than just a friendly love. "You are a fool." Shizuru muttered darkly, though her heart throbbed in something so wonderful, she felt as if it could burst. "A wonderful fool, who I don't deserve to even be sitting with right now." Yet, the bruise on her wrist, didn't that speak of something more possessive in Natsuki too? "You should run away, while you still can." Something demanding, and willful?

"I can't." Natsuki stated flatly as she took another drink of tea. The truth of the matter, she wouldn't dare say. _I would have already, if I could have...I should hate you for that, you know._ She could freely think of it tough. _Making me want to depend on you like this._ Shizuru was like a small murmur of comfort among Natsuki's invisible screams, back when they were younger. "It's because I can't, that you owe me." _Whatever the hell this even is...Shizuru._ "You have to show me how to do this." _You started this...now you have to see it through._ "It's just like before, Shizuru. I'm learning all over again." _Idiot, making me feel these weird things._ "You have to be careful, and take your time with me."

Shizuru took a few breaths to collect her thoughts before she licked her lips. "If that is what you wish, I will instruct you thoroughly. You can entrust your heart to me."

* * *

So, there's chapter 2 of this new little toy of mine...I really need to get back to editing the next chapter of JTFN, or else this would have been so much


	3. Chapter 3

* * *

**Chapter 3**  
 _I see it in_ _your_ _eyes_  
Even you face the night afraid and alone  
That's why I'll be there

* * *

There were a few difficulties about living in a traditional abode, one tucked away from civilization. While it was peaceful during the best of times, it was also a mild annoyance at the worst of them. Being subject to the weather, and it's wonderful bouts of rain, wasn't exactly uncommon. Losing power from gusts of wind wasn't uncanny either. It would flicker back on soon, Shizuru knew that. It wasn't as if she depended on electricity, there wasn't anything here that truly needed it. She hadn't a television, and cared not for the radio. She came here for relaxation, and time to think. She found that quite hard to do with worldly ruckus.

 _Besides, there's something decidedly intimate about reading a book by candle light._ The rain was beautiful to watch, at least, until nightfall came, and they decided it was a good time to build a fire. "You'd better come inside, or you'll get soaked." Shizuru chided as she saw Natsuki fidgeting around near the door. "It's starting to come in at an angle." _Though, I doubt I'll have any time to read anything tonight, not with Natsuki's_ restlessness.

"You think that will be enough firewood?" Natsuki asked, coming in from the back yard with two more thick logs to add to the pile in the corner. Her hands were dirty, as she brushed them off on a pair of jeans that she always kept at Shizuru's home. They were torn, and old, but that was why Natsuki loved them. "Or should I grab a few more, just to be on the safe side?" They would have looked fashionable, if it wasn't for the oil stain that lingered on the back pocket.

"We only need enough wood for a short time." Shizuru smiled then, as she tended the fire carefully. "I most assuredly don't intend to be up all night again." She was quite tired from the day, which was for the most part, uneventful. With a small frown, she bundled up another piece of paper that she didn't need anymore, tossing it into the small flame that she was trying to encourage to grow. "Fires are so peaceful, aren't they, Natsuki?" _So calming for the mind._

Natsuki shrugged as she came around to sit behind the tawny haired girl, looking into the small, glowing flame. "I never really thought about that before." Shizuru smelt of it though, the burning wood a soothing scent. It only added to the light perfume that Shizuru seemed to frequent. "It seemed like recently, anytime I was looking fire in the face, I was also trying to keep Mai from burning the school down." A soft chuckle was all that earned, and Natsuki buried her face from the warm glow. "Shizuru, do you think it would have been different, if we weren't HiME?"

"An odd question." Shizuru put her hand over Natsuki's own, feeling the rough tips of cool fingers. "I like to think so, but, I also fear I wouldn't have pushed far enough." It was after all, a series of rather unfortunate events. Shizuru's confession had to spill out rather haphazardly, something that wasn't in her plans at all back then. "I suppose that's a level of justice I simply don't wish to think about. After all, what might have happened in such a case, is now an impossibility." She could feel Natsuki making circles into her back and Shizuru closed her eyes, to enjoy the feeling. "What's on your mind? You only fidget like this, when you're particularly bothered by something."

"It's nothing really." Natsuki sighed... _It's stupid, that's what it is..._ Clutching onto Shizuru wasn't the answer, but it seemed close enough. She knew that otherwise the girl would turn around, and she didn't want that right now. "I just got to thinking about earlier." _This changes things now...doesn't it?_ Natsuki sighed, as a blush stained her cheeks. "You are so not allowed to laugh at this, if I tell you." She could feel Shizuru trying to look at her, and held Shizuru closer instinctively. "Don't move...please." _This is really just completely stupid._ "Sometimes I don't like when people see me blush." _I know she can feel it though...damn it._

"Alright, I won't move." _She's doing it again..._ Shizuru decided to amuse Natsuki's whims as she stopped trying to turn around. "Tell me what's wrong." _Natsuki...that's going to cause problems if you keep that up..._ Shizuru took a steadying breath. "I promise I won't laugh." _Gods...Natsuki, you and your wandering hands...my mark was there for goodness sake!_ Trying to be subtle, she took Natsuki's hands in hers completely. _She's got to stop playing around with sensitive areas._ "I'm sure whatever it is, we can figure it out."

"The bed..." It was such a quiet murmur, that Shizuru took a moment to process that.

"What about the bed, Natsuki?" Shizuru asked gently, trying not to trouble the girl further. _That's the last place I need to be thinking about...Natsuki, you foolish girl. Are you trying to torture me?_

"We're...together now." _Well, we're something...and that something probably doesn't belong together in a bed yet...does it?_ "We always used to share the bed..." _We're beyond the friend zone...that would be a bad idea, wouldn't it?_ Natsuki knew she had to say what was bothering her, but it didn't make the matter easier to deal with. "If that's the case, is it really okay...to continue to do that?" Finally, she slipped away from Shizuru's warmth so that she could turn around. "There are implications now, aren't there?"

"If by that, you mean actually going to sleep?" Shizuru knew that wasn't Natsuki's problem, and sighed. "Yes, for most people there would be implications." Shizuru slowly turned around. The red colorings dancing across Natsuki's face was adorable but it was also mixed with something else. _Time to do damage control again...Natsuki, sometimes I think you're teasing me._ "Stop trying to live up to my expectations, please." She forced Natsuki to look at her with a gentle guiding hand. _So cute! No...no, don't even amuse it._ "Bluntly speaking, it's adorable, but you'll get yourself into trouble, thinking that way."

"Then what way am I supposed to think?" _I know she dreams about it..there's no way she doesn't._ Natsuki focused on the woman in front of her, feeling the need to bury herself into Shizuru's arms again. "I don't exactly know what qualifies as normal." _She'll hold herself back for my sake, but, that's really not a good thing either._ "Besides, if you hold back, from me, what does that do for either of us?"

"That answer is fairly easy." Shizuru licked her lips, and sighed as she closed her eyes. _It's also beyond the point of complicated._ After a moment to compose herself from all but tackling Natsuki to the floor, she slowly opened her eyes back up. "We lay down, we cuddle, and we go to sleep." _I've got to be good tonight...she's edgy...very edgy._ "Stop thinking troublesome things." Shizuru gently poked Natsuki on the nose at that. "It isn't good for you." _Or me, for that matter._

"I'm...I mean we're both...uhh-damn it!" For lack of anything better to do, she lunged into Shizuru's arms, and they both fell to the floor. _Okay, I admit it, I'm scared! Just don't let go of me...don't do it, Shizuru._ She buried her face again, hiding from Shizuru's gaze. "We're both girls...not that there's anything wrong with that...but, this is kind of weird." Even as she said that, she refused to let go of the woman in her arms.

"Hmm, perhaps it is, a little bit." Shizuru said then, running her fingers through Natsuki's midnight tresses. "I don't particularly mind it, but I suppose there are some people who wouldn't like this type of news." _Exhibit A: My parents. Exhibit B: Haruka._ "It isn't always an easy thing to accept." _I dare not think of an exhibit C._ At first Natsuki tensed up at that, before nuzzling closer and releasing a muted curse. "Does it bother you, that we're both women?"

Natsuki shrugged, as she turned so that she could lean into Shizuru and watch the fire. "I've always had this vision in my head of what my life could be like." Natsuki had actually let a lot of fears surface due to them. "I mean, there were nights that I would just wait to be taken away to some lab or something...and then there were others when I just figured I'd end up dying." The firelight reminded her of Mai, and all of the times hopelessness had flowed through them. "In my head, there wasn't any magic involved. The times that I thought I could actually make it, well, I didn't give any thought to some happily ever after." _I was alright with that...being alone, that would have been okay back then._ "I didn't think I'd meet someone who actually might matter to me." _Man or woman, it didn't occur to me._

Shizuru nodded, but it was one etched in sadness. "No one should live with such thoughts." _I do matter to you, don't I?_ When she looked down into emerald orbs, she could see the intent look in Natsuki's eyes. _Again with the troublesome looks...Natsuki, I told you not to do that._ Natsuki pulled away to sit up, and slowly, she inched closer to Shizuru. "Natsuki..." Their breath mingled, they were so close, and yet so far apart. Shizuru was sure that if she even darted her tongue out the tiniest bit to lick her lips, she'd instead touch Natsuki's. _Oh no...Natsuki...don't go playing around with fire._ "It seems, perhaps, as if my Natsuki is hesitating." It was hard to even take a breath, it seemed caught in her throat. _You're not ready for it._

A low growl emitted from Natsuki's throat at that. "I'm not..." _This is the only way..._ "I like the way your eyes shine, when I do this." _It's the only time I can really see into you._ Without even thinking, Natsuki tilted her head just a little, as if to test the idea of an invitation. _Couples do this...right?_ She wanted to close the gap, and yet, she didn't want to lose sight of those shining orbs. They were so much more beautiful than the world gave them credit for. "Consider this, my first lesson." _...it should be okay._

It was a murmur that Shizuru didn't even get the chance to process as Natsuki's lips pressed into hers in an entirely new way, begging to be let in. Natsuki fingers tangled themselves into fawn tresses. Sighing into the kiss, she let her tongue meet Shizuru's for the first time. At first she retreated, the feeling new to her. Then shock wore off, and she dipped back between those soft lips, taking the time to melt into the kiss.

 _Gods...Natsuki._ It was the only staggering thought that made it's way to Shizuru's mind, before even that, was snuffed out completely by Natsuki's insistence.


	4. Chapter 4

* * *

**Chapter 4**  
 _When the storm rises up, when the shadows descend_  
Every beat of my heart, every day without end  
Every second I live, that's the promise I make  
Baby, that's what I'll give, if that's what it takes  
If that's what it takes

* * *

There was no easy way to fall asleep that night. The normally soothing rain seemed like an ominous, foreboding cloud that lingered overhead. The fire had been put out, and after they dressed for sleep, Natsuki slid under the cool covers with every fiber of her being tense, and perhaps just a little skeptical. Her heart beat with an anxious fear of truth. Natsuki wasn't sure why...she couldn't even pinpoint the reason. She wasn't giddy exactly, she wasn't upset either. Still, it was different. Unlike something she'd sensed before. She wasn't nervous, at least, not after Shizuru put those fears to rest for the time being.

There had been plenty of other times she'd crawled into Shizuru's bed at a mere insistence. Back then, it was purely so that no one had to sleep on the floor.

Now though, any inclination of this simply being a friendly gesture, had been blown out of the water. They couldn't hide safely behind false pretenses anymore. It should have been a comfort, a lingering truth to lull them to sleep. The fact of that matter was that it was quite the opposite. While Natsuki was lost within her own spinning feelings, wondering about nonsensical little tidbits here and there, Shizuru was trying to keep her mind from gleefully running wild with inopportune thoughts.

Shizuru tired desperately to find some measure of solace in the warmth of the bed, and the hand that held her own. She could hear Natsuki's soft breaths, but they were a mirror image of what they fought to attain. Peace, comfort...sleep. Their hearts however, couldn't stay calm enough to quell their racing minds. For completely different reasons, beyond their control, rest eluded them.

Shizuru tried to keep her mind at bay, but, it was not an easy task. Her lips were dry, and the room was dark. It was difficult to calm herself, when the woman she desired most was so close. Just a breath away, a slip of a hand, would be all it would take.

The warmth of Natsuki's bare legs upon her own, so silky smooth, it seemed nearly an impossibility. Shizuru knew that Natsuki only had on a pair of panties, and that infuriatingly white shirt. They were tangled in an embrace that was not completely second nature...yet, it was not unknown territory. Shizuru wanted more. Her heart pulled at invisible strings, and she felt like that of a puppet. The intoxicating kisses from earlier flooded her mind, and she couldn't deny, her mind was playing idly with thoughts she ought never to think. It was so easy to get herself worked up, just thinking of Natsuki being so close was enough. Yet, stiffly she forced herself to remain as relaxed as she could seem, but, that inquiring gaze screamed of trouble.

Natsuki could see through her clearly.

The statement was flat and calm, but, it was the truth. "You are thinking about it...about things..." Natsuki knew she shouldn't be surprised. _I'm sorry...this is tormenting you, isn't it? At least she isn't acting on it._ Shizuru didn't laugh, didn't even budge, and that worried Natsuki. _Say something...anything._ Not even an apology slipped from Shizuru's lips. "Shizuru...?" The name was hardly uttered, but she knew from Shizuru's subtle jolt, that she'd been heard. She still didn't get a response, and she couldn't see those deep eyes glimmering in the dim room anymore. "Oh my god..." It was a murmur, a realization that Natsuki hated to come across. _Crap..._

"Hey, look at me." Shizuru could feel Natsuki's warm breath. _Don't do this to yourself._ The woman was lingering above her, and try though Shizuru might, she couldn't deny the heated request. _Come on...open up your eyes..._ Crimson eyes slipped open, revealing for not the first time, a look of utter despair. Those eyes glistened with failed endeavors, and trials sent into hell. Natsuki couldn't even begin to fathom the depth of it. Having faced such a petrified look only once before. Shizuru was utterly paralyzed, awaiting a judgment that wouldn't come. "You feel totally guilty about that, don't you?" To say Natsuki felt gobsmacked about that was an understatement. _Oh...Shizuru._ With a sigh she let her forehead fall onto Shizuru's shoulder, and melted into the woman, holding onto her. "I'm not mad."

Their bodies were now pressing tightly together, and that wasn't of any help to Shizuru. Her nerves felt like fire, her mind like a train wreck, and her heart dipped itself in an immense pool of inexplicable feelings. None of them were good. "You should be." Shizuru sighed, pulling Natsuki closer, their embrace tightly locked. Shizuru's fingers slipped into the dark tresses that cascaded like a silken pool. _She should hate me, for wanting this._ Just beyond those tresses, was Natsuki's smooth neck. It was so supple, and had tasted sweet not a few hours before. "You should be infuriated." Shizuru craved such a thing. To taste Natsuki again, to feel those soft, smooth lips pressing greedily into her own.

"What's the point in that?" Natsuki pushed herself up, just a little, to look at Shizuru. _It isn't like it can be helped._ "It's weird...but..." Natsuki frowned at that. _I don't think like that...but, I know a lot who do._ "It's normal, isn't it?" Natsuki herself, wasn't completely without her own, not so clean thoughts. They simply hadn't migrated into a territory that could be called sexual. "You've wanted this for a long time, right? So, it's only natural that you would...think about it."

"I wish it could be so easily explained away like that." Shizuru wanted to be so complacent, she knew she couldn't be. "I'm not ready to tell you some of the things I think about." _She's not ready to hear them, either._ A few moments were well spent, letting time pass by in a contemplative silence. "Even the things I might be ready to say, would be easily misunderstood." It was with a small, nervous chuckle, that Shizuru found it difficult to continue. "I don't fully understand it myself either, on occasion. I think such odd things, and I let my mind wander away, into places it may not belong." _I know I have the gift of understatement, but please Natsuki...take it for what it is._ "I have a very insipid way of life, I'm afraid."

"With all of the fans you have, that's hard to believe." Natsuki replied, but she let her eyes soften at that, just a little. "Besides, I have a lot of names for what we went through, but none of them come close to being 'insipid'. Even the word itself is stupid." _I just want you to smile...not feel guilty._ She put her head back down, using Shizuru as a pillow. "Just because I'm all jumpy about this kind of thing, it doesn't mean you have to be." She murmured into the nape of Shizuru's neck. "In fact, I would kinda prefer if you weren't. You're the one with experience, right?"

A long suffering sigh, and a few shared heartbeats filled Shizuru's mind with a less than desirable truth about that little matter. "I'm afraid you're mistaken." She knew this would come up, but she hadn't expected it to be now, of all times. "I have experience in knowing that I love you..and I can't deny, those are feelings I want to act upon." However, Shizuru had never allowed herself to fill endless voids. "Natsuki, beyond that, I'm quite inexperienced as well." _That's a bit embarrassing to admit, actually. Considering all of the rumors at the school. I should have known, she would assume at least some of them were true._ "I never imagined that you would let me get so close to you." _Though they were entirely fabricated from exuberant underclassmen._ "Now that I know there's such a possibility, I admit, I find it hard to hold back."

"That seems kind of pointless." Natsuki still found that part odd, and she moved herself away from Shizuru, sitting up, to look at the woman. _If you hold back, how do I truly know what I'm getting into?_ "I mean, I already know that you think about it. I can only imagine the extent of it, but I think, it would get pretty deep." Natsuki turned away, a bit uncomfortable about bringing this up. "I don't know what I can tell you, or even if I can be okay with it." She sighed, and put her face back into her pillow. "I've only just started thinking about that kind of thing." She was muffled, but spoke loud enough to be heard. "Even if we have shared baths and stuff, I never was really looking."

"The fact you even think about it at all, is more than I gave you credit for." Shizuru sat up as well. "Does it mean that much to you, to know what I think about?"

"Well, yeah." Natsuki chanced a glance to look over her shoulder, seeing a face of beauty, as Shizuru seemed to be fighting with herself over something. "Everyone's entitled to their secrets, so..."

"I think about making love to you." Shizuru blurted it out so quickly, her face tinged just the slightest bit of pink. "I have all of these fantasies in my head, and some of them boarder on the line that can only be defined as extremely questionable. I think about the way your fingers sometimes brush over the spot where my mark was, and, sometimes..." _This is not going to be easy..._ "Sometimes I think that I'm not good enough. There are times you'll run your hands over places that aren't even sexual in nature, but after you do, I can't help myself." Shizuru bit her lip, and closed her eyes, turning away from Natsuki. "I feel dirty, because I want more after that."

"It shouldn't make you feel dirty." Natsuki gulped, and slowly, carefully put a hand on Shizuru's shoulder. "Those feelings, should be good feelings, at least...that's what I think."

Shizuru just curled more into herself. "There was once a time, when my dreams were innocent little things. I kept playing with little ideas like having a house, or adopting a child. Cooking dinner for you, or even just greeting you after a long day. I amused silly little things like that, and, when I did, it was alright. I knew nothing would come of it." Then things slowly began to change. "But then we got older, and you grew in more ways than I thought you would." The most noticeable changes though, happened during the battle. "It was when you met Mai, you just began to flourish. You were so interested in her, and Mikoto, it was like you had become a completely different person." She turned to look at Natsuki, her eyes shining with things that threatened to overflow. "I wanted you to notice me, Natsuki. You would sit there, and talk with her for hours over things so simple. I only wished you would have done the same thing for me too."

"I..." Natsuki sighed as she embraced the woman. "I wasn't focused on those things back then." She clutched onto Shizuru's nightgown, her voice a slightly lower husk than normal. "But I'm here now." _If that isn't enough...I'm sorry..._ "I can only be here now, Shizuru. I can't change the past." _Still...even if I can't do that..._ "I might not be able to give you the future that you dream about. They're fantasies after all..." Shizuru was trembling in her arms, and that made Natsuki all the more protective. "But, I can do my best to give you a happy reality." _I want to do that much...at least._

"You're kind to say that." Still, Shizuru could hear it in her voice. Natsuki was beginning to thread her own bonds of selfishness, laced with both longing and the hints of desire. _To see her happy, that's what I truly wanted, even before all of this. I just wanted her to be happy._ Still, she could not push away the hesitancy that would occasionally dance in Natsuki's eyes. Those moments that they would both become transfixed, lost within something lost beyond any simple explanation. "It would be enough Natsuki, having you here like this, all the time." It was more than she ever thought she would receive. _She's warm...she's not cold...not like people say._

"No, it wouldn't." Natsuki swung her legs down, and got off the bed, to close the window. "At least, it wouldn't be for me." The rain pattering inside was not something she wanted to see. Ironically, when she turned around, expecting to see something similar in Shizuru's eyes, they'd began to cloud over again in a serenity. Natsuki could see that look clearly, yet, it was only because Shizuru nibbled idly on her bottom lip, that she could sense still a tiny bit of unease lingered behind. It was like a fracture to the normally composed mask.

"Hey..." Natsuki husked out as she stood there, unmoving. "I'm not good at this stuff, I know that." Natsuki sighed as she turned back to the window to watch the rain. _I want to be, but, I can't be your fantasy...I wouldn't even know where to begin._ "But...if you..." Natsuki shook her head, unsure if she really should say it. "You can always ask me...if you want things...or to do something...I might not always agree to do it...but, you'll never really know, unless you ask me." _Though, I guess that's a double edged sword._ "I'll do the same, when I want something of you."


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Sorry, I had a little delay on this chapter since I was working on JTFN, (I like to keep several chapters ahead of that one since it's a kinda complex story line) now though, I'm back to send in a new chapter of this. So, without further adieu, I hope you enjoy.

* * *

**Chapter 5**  
 _You can sleep in my arms, you don't have to explain_  
When your heart's crying out, baby, whisper my name  
'Cause I've reached out for you when the thunder is crashing up above

* * *

Morning came peacefully, no clouds in the sky. For this time of year, it was a fleeting thing. Rain came off and on though the weeks, springtime a time for renewal and rebirth. The rain the night from before had soaked the grass, and lingered in deep puddles.

The world above them was not gray, it was not ominous, in fact, Shizuru wondered if that taunted Natsuki, who inherently never slept well during storms. They always, without fail, triggered nightmares. There had been times in the past, that Shizuru would hear the whimpering. during such times, she forced herself to keep Natsuki at a distance, knowing that's what the girl would have preferred. When faced with her deepest truths, Natsuki, often the lonely person that she was, preferred to endure such a thing on her own.

Even when she'd wake up in a cold sweat, screaming for her mother and long lost dog. Even then, Shizuru forced herself to amuse Natsuki's nature. The closer they grew as friends, the more liberties Shizuru would take in response to Natsuki uncontrollable dreaming. At first, she would merely sit up in [bed](http://www.fanfiction.net/s/9197055/5/), and watch over the girl. She would wait for Natsuki to wake up, just so that Natsuki wouldn't be alone. That soon changed as well, when Shizuru murmured calming, soothing words to Natsuki. However, though all of it, she still kept a respectful barrier.

Their friendship, at one time, had demanded it.

On this morning, that ideal had shattered gleefully into a thousand pieces. The speckles of that past were not ones Shizuru would amuse anymore. _She would allow this, I believe._ Though, even with Natsuki tangled in her embrace, she also half expected that Natsuki would eventually wake up with her usual bluster. Still, in the sweet light of morning, the soft protection of the sun in the sky, Shizuru knew the pain from hours ago had slipped away. _So, beautiful._

Natsuki was that, after all. In peacefulness, Natsuki hadn't any guard to be found. She was so easy to read, and, Shizuru often found herself thankful for that. _However, Natsuki, I do wonder just how you'll react, when you realize I'm not your pillow._ In all truthfulness, there was only one wish she had for that event. _I wish she would need me like this, even without the storms._ It was rarely that Natsuki ever clung onto anything, or anyone, with such a raw need. _Please, gods make this day uneventful._ She missed that the most.

She missed the days that passed them by without a trace.

Those days were normalcy, they were the days any regular person, would often find directly in front of them. Those days were the most common, but also, quite fleeting. When the little black puppy, who wasn't exactly so little anymore, began to make a ruckus, pacing around and whimpering in the room, Shizuru knew her time of simply holding Natsuki was going to come to an end. _The world is often quite demanding of us, isn't it, Natsuki? Even when we've come up here, we have not truly gotten away from any of it._ Everything would be waiting for them back at home.

"Morning." The soft grumbled was met with a refusal to actually move from her spot, as she snuggled in closer to the warmth that could only be Shizuru's. She doubted any other woman could smell so strongly of tealeaves this early in the morning, especially not so many different brands. Shizuru had that gift, because she used them in every kind of potpourri that she made. This one, was a soothing yet indescribable scent. It often kept the room company on the long spans of time, when no one lived here. "I was dreaming, wasn't I?"

"You don't have to so inconvenienced about it, I surely wasn't." Shizuru smiled at the low groan that protruded from Natsuki's lips at that.

"It's a crime to be in such a good mood in the morning." Sleepily, she peered over the edge of the bed, where the puppy was turning around in circles. "I really don't want to go outside." She grumbled, quite liking the idea of staying in bed a little longer, though she knew that wasn't an option. "It's going to be wet and muddy, stupid rain." Still with all of her tired ranting, there was hint of gentleness to it. Even as she sighed dejectedly, dragging herself out of bed to deal with the dog, she made a point to linger in the doorway, her blurry eyes only open enough to regard Shizuru for a moment with a soft smile.

 _That shirt will be the death of me. I wonder, does she realize just what she's flaunting about, when she's like that?_ It was nearly criminal, the way Natsuki insisted on wearing that overtly baggy garment to bed. _Tea...get your mind out the gutter, and get something to drink._ That was a much better plan, a proper one, that honestly she couldn't due without. She could admit her own nightgown was short, but at least she had the modesty to put her robe over her shoulders. With a steadying sigh, she went out to the kitchen, preparing tea, and watching from the window.

Natsuki kept the puppy on a leash, a rarity since it came when it was called. Still, Shizuru had to agree, the smell of wet dog in the morning was not something she wished to partake in. _Such a gift, Natsuki. I'll bet you don't even realize how such a stance suits you._ As she prepared the water and contemplated what to make for breakfast, she couldn't help but notice Natsuki's quiet demeanor, of which, always seemed to be most prevalent in the mornings.

"Natsuki, would you like something to eat?" She called out side, through the window, only getting a shrug in return when Natsuki tuned to face her. This, in a small way, was her entire dream come true. _How many times have I thought of simply that tiny action?_ She hadn't any idea. _What it would be like, for her come in expecting a warm meal, and perhaps even time spent at our leisure?_ Even after the door slid open, and shut, indicating Natsuki's presence, Shizuru couldn't help but feel such a wish. "You must be hungry, I can cook something, if you are."

Natsuki shook her head. "Not every day, Shizuru." Natsuki was quite fine eating cereal out of the box. It was all the same to her, really. "It wouldn't be right to do that all the time. Besides, I can look after myself a little." Still, as she reached up into one of the cupboards, she paused and looked at the way crimson eyes tried to hide something. _You make simple actions into the end of the world sometimes, you know that?_ Natsuki paused and put her hand back to her side. "Shizuru...about last night." _How far do things really go, Shizuru?_ Natsuki knew she had to ask, but couldn't bring the question out from her mind. "Is this...uhh...one of those fantasy things of yours?"

Shizuru looked away. "I told you, I have many things in my mind that I've always wanted to do." She released a breath at that, looking back at Natsuki. "In my head, there are ideals of what a proper wife should be. There are particular tasks that fit that role." _I've dreamed about many of them, time and time again._ "I want to be the kind of woman to live up to those expectations. It doesn't matter, if the person I want to do them for is anything but conventional." Idly she turned to the refrigerator, and pulled out some milk and other ingredients. _What am I even doing, thinking I have the right to do this? Natsuki can take care of herself._ "I'm not just living out a silly little dream of mine, I'm accepting normalcy the best way that I can."

"Shizuru." Natsuki reached out, putting her hand over Shizuru's, halting her actions as she reached up for a bowl. "Stop that..." Natsuki swallowed then, Shizuru's words ringing in her ear. She felt angry, but it wasn't the woman in front of her. "What normalcy do you think you have to live?" _...idiot...the world isn't made for us...we were made to suffer in it._ "An even better question is, why the hell do you feel some sort of stupid obligation, to make everyone else happy?"

"Acceptance doesn't come easily to me, Natsuki." Though, Shizuru thought she may have been lucky a few times. "Even before you came around. I have always had eyes on me, judging every single move I made. They did it through rose tinted glasses. I'm always seen as perfection, there are so few out there who challenge that." Then a smirk, bemused though it was, graced Shizuru's lips. Looking into that emerald gaze wasn't easy sometimes. "That's why I consider Haruka an important person in my life. She, and a few of our fellow HiME, they dare to accuse what most would take at face value." _That is so terribly important, even when it hurts._ "My life isn't some picturesque film. I don't want to be ogled, or praised...there are times I want to be left alone, to live my own life."

"People won't just ignore you...trust me on that." Natsuki often times wished it would be that easy. "You won't even blend into the background." She licked her lips, and sighed, she wasn't really hungry. She hadn't any desire to eat. _Is she always so stunning?_ Her thumb traced a small circle on Shizuru's wrist, feeling the smooth, soft skin. "People like you, aren't easy to ignore." _Would I make you feel guilty, if I kissed you right now?_ "Trust me, I've tried. You see how well that worked, don't you?" _I wish I knew._ Natsuki let go of Shizuru's hand, and flicked a few strands of her midnight tresses over her shoulder as she backed away.

"It's going to rain again today." It was the stormy season after all, but even so, the clouds in the sky seemed as if they hadn't care in the world as they slowly meandered in. Idly she could see Natsuki frown at her. "The forecast is always so gloomy this time of the year, wouldn't you agree?" When even that didn't dissuade Natsuki, Shizuru felt as if nothing would.

"Why do you do that?" The question was innocent, and filled a sense of longing. Emerald eyes scanned for the truth of the matter, but like always, Shizuru was not exactly an open book.

"Do what?" This game was one that was so easily played, and at one point, Shizuru had taken pride that she was a master of it. _Now it just feels like I'm running away._

"Dodge the question." That was the simple part of the statement, but they knew, that it held so many meanings, none were clear answers.

"Natsuki is very kind." Shizuru said then, as she continued to look out at the yard. "Sometimes, I wonder if you act more out of charity than you realize." Her eyes fell to the breakfast she could have made, the preparations left undone. "Last night, you told me that I could ask anything. You see, that's entirely the problem. I would ask so much." Her shoulders slouched with the weight of her reality. "I fear it would become one sided, and then, somehow we would be back to where we were before." _I can't stand that level of silence again._ "It would be so easy to fall back into that pattern. Do you realize that?"

With that stubbornness that always seemed to welcome more than its fair share of difficulties, Natsuki crossed her arms, a bit annoyed. "What would you make jokes about this time? I'm sure I've heard them all in one way or another." When Shizuru's eyes found hers, there was no hint of deception, but all of the self loathing in the world. "Idiot." Natsuki sighed as she pulled Shizuru into her arms. "What do you want right now, more than anything?"

"N-Natsuki that's-" Shizuru gasped as Natsuki pulled away from her so that she couldn't hide her face. "I can't answer that."

She gently cupped Shizuru's cheek, forcing their eyes to meet. "Yes...you can." Those searching orbs wouldn't let Shizuru escape this time. "Anything...and I do mean anything. What do you want most, right here, right now?


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: well, this is rated T, so there won't be any lemons, because I've decided not to raise the rating...but you'll get some fluff...and a few tidbits.
> 
> I do not own the anime, nor the song.

**Chapter 6**  
 _You've given me your love_  
When you smile like the sun, that shines through the pain  
That's why I'll be there

* * *

It was bold to assume that her desires could be so easily explained away, especially when Natsuki's hold on her was a strong one. She was held in place with those strong but firm hands. With refusal on Natsuki's behalf, Shizuru knew that she couldn't let this particular sleeping dog lie dormant. _Natsuki you've no idea just how my mind works...yet, you'll say something like that._ Shizuru was stunned, but that was the least of her feelings. The others however, she merely couldn't find an explanation for. They swirled deeply within her heart, and try though she might, she couldn't keep her eyes from showing off that very image. _What do you see, Natsuki?_

That subject debatable at best, was one Shizuru knew would be at her worst.

There was a dominate longing in her heart, and she'd been fighting that back for a long time now. She was sure that the very feeling if want, of utter need, slipped into her gaze. There was no way it couldn't have, not with how strongly she felt. _You are indeed a foolish girl._ There were, however, other emotions that also danced there. Inexplicable, warring emotions. Shizuru couldn't deny, she wanted to crash headlong into those feelings, and yet, even dearly desired it...it made her nervous.

"Let me see if I understand." Hesitancy, just like that of her own mind, often well controlled, was the additive. It was the bane of her very dream, one, that if she were honest, included a lot more than just baser feelings. "I can ask for anything?" Though, as of right now, desire swam in her belly.

Natsuki nodded, but the facts were clear. "Yeah, you can ask for anything at all." She was bracing herself for what would undoubtedly be a nearly impossible task. She knew that, and yet, she pushed herself into the most difficult of situations.

 _Natsuki..._ The thing the girl trembled to think about her entire life. _As independent as she really is, she hates to be alone._ There was a fear of rejection that unlike that of a normal woman, didn't always come to the surface. It wasn't about relationships, or even the people around her. It was Natsuki's own vehemence that plagued her. Her wish to hold somebody close, and yet, push them away instead. Shizuru supposed that back during the battles, it was the only way to keep the people she cared about safe. Natsuki did it by instinct alone. _I want to ease you._

It was her nature to do that, not her desire.

Even now, this was instinct alone. A willpower to eliminate any threat, softened into one that spoke volumes about eradicating fear as well. Still, those emerald eyes, her soft pale lips, and even her fingertips exuded the truths of such a person. The fight in her mind this time, was not exactly one that could be quelled by answering such a question. Still, it was Natsuki who demanded. Shizuru had no choice but to answer. _What do I say to you, Natsuki? What answer could I give that would not be the worst?_ "I want a lot of things, I'm greedy." She pulled away from that firm hold, only to have the retaliation she expected, Natsuki trapping her with her hands braced on the counter. "Why are you so insistent!" Composure was hard to maintain, with someone like Natsuki pulling at the strings. "How can you possibly want me to answer you?"

Fury was drained away instantly when a tired sigh made Natsuki slump in both annoyance and shame. Still, Natsuki offered nothing in the way of a reprieve. "How can I not?" Her words were hardly a murmur in the air between them, and Shizuru strained to hear it. _This scares the shit out of me...but...damn it!_ Her next words were strengthened by resolve alone. "I can't shrug it off." It wasn't that easy anymore. "I can't pretend like I don't see things, even when you try to hide them." It could never be so simple again. "We could just ignore it, if friendship was the only real goal here, but it wouldn't make either one of us feel any better." _She had to have known that..._ "I'd rather be scared of something now, than get both of us stuck." _So, why is she hesitating?_

"Natsuki..." The whisper was upon a breath. Quiet, and shuttering. "I don't want to push you away."

"You won't." Natsuki murmured as she got closer, enveloping Shizuru into a secure embrace. In the morning, with the sun peaking into the kitchen, sending rays of light across them, Natsuki could feel the warmth of it reaching her back. She could also feel a lone finger drawing circles right where her mark used to be. It was soothing, but something else just wasn't right. "Should we really be doing this in the kitchen?" It traced patterns that sent sensitive skin alight...and Natsuki shivered at the feeling.

"We won't be doing anything of which to speak." The tremble in Shizuru's words lacked the strength needed, and she sighed out a breath filled with desire. One she wished only to squash at the moment. "Natsuki, I told you before, don't try to live up to my expectations. If you do, we'll only be inviting trouble." Still, Natsuki's body was warm, that was a fact Shizuru couldn't deny. "Besides, the one thing I want most of all...it can't happen over night." It didn't stop Natsuki from leaning in to kiss her, clutching at the fabric of her robe as if it was a confinement that should be shunned quickly. Shizuru felt like she was swimming, unable to bring herself to break the kiss, even when Natsuki pushed away the robe, letting her fingers brush over Shizuru's smooth shoulders, the straps of her nightgown only thin strips of silk. _Natsuki...please. Don't play this game._

Shizuru pulled away breathlessly, trying to keep herself steady, a failing endeavor with Natsuki so close. Still, the woman of midnight tresses took the opportunity to smile softly, her eyes glimmering in a soft surrender. "I like it, when we're like this." Natsuki began, wanting nothing more than to just cast the very world around them. "That's why sometimes, I just wish you would let go of your inhibitions."

A stagnant pause drifted over the room, and twin breaths halted, catching...unable to be released.

 _You don't hold a steak in front of a dog, Natsuki._ Yet, that's exactly how Shizuru felt. As if the prize was on display, taunting her. She closed her eyes as she considered Natsuki's words. "If I were to act..." Shizuru's voice trembled as she turned the tables quickly, grasping hold of Natsuki's wrists and spinning them around. The shorter woman found herself pinned to the fridge as as cold, blood red irises kept her frozen in place. "If I were to act on my every wish, Natsuki, I would push you away." As if to test the theory, her hand slid under that infuriatingly white shirt, and down into cotton panties, cupping Natsuki's womanhood with her hand, watching as the woman released a startled gasp. "Do you understand?" Shizuru asked pointedly.

Natsuki's face was covered with a blush so deep, it threatened to consume her. She bit her lower lip hard, as she turned her eyes away, clenching them shut. She was terrified of that gaze. As she awaited a torrent that hadn't washed over her yet, she could do no more than focus on the warmth of that hand, and the softness of Shizuru's palm. _I could break free in a heartbeat._ "If that's what you want to do, then do it." _Why do you do this to yourself?_ "Even if you did, you wouldn't push me away." _She's warm..._

"Don't tell me you aren't afraid." Shizuru pulled away violently, hurt by that realization.

"No shit." Eloquence became lost when Natsuki found herself more than just a little embarrassed, and missing Shizuru's touch. She wanted dearly to feel that palm press into her womanhood again, insinuating things that would only be welcomed in the depths of night, hidden by shadows. Out of frustration Natsuki growled. "Of course I am." It seemed so obvious to her, a normalcy. "But I don't hate it." _I don't hate you, either._ "Just like you've got this thing in your head about life was supposed to be, I've got my own. The two of them don't mix Shizuru...they really don't. We've had such different lives up to this point, that's to be expected." Right now, Natsuki just wanted that warmth back. "Hey...easy now...stop crying."

As she pulled away the tears that were falling from crimson eyes, she couldn't help but feeling as if she was also caught in current. "I don't mind if its you." Though, after that, her eyes feel to the floor. She couldn't bear to get caught with the next admission. "I think, I might actually like it...if you don't hold back." Though upon reflection, she hadn't exactly found herself a fan of being pushed into the hard refrigerator. "Just, not in the kitchen..."

"You are foolish, Natsuki." Shizuru sighed shaking her head.

"Shut up." Her words weren't harsh at all. They were quite, and shy. "Come on." As she said this she grabbed into Shizuru's hand, running he fingers along that smooth palm. "You're warm...and I like that." She all but dragged Shizuru to the back of the house, and into the bedroom. "You told me that I could entrust myself to you. So...I want to...I don't want to feel guilty, or some other stupidity." _I just want to be warm, and loved._ "I just want to be with you...even if that means other stuff...I want that too."

"I love you, Natsuki." Shizuru prayed that her words wouldn't be cheapened by what she intended to do, as she captured Natsuki's lips in her own, pulling the shorter woman into a tight embrace. Still, with the hesitancy of being a person with her wits always about her, she gently pulled away. Their breaths were able to mingle, and her hooded eyes gave no question to the thoughts in her mind. "You're sure?"

Natsuki didn't reply with stumbled words. Instead with a shaky breath and a nod, she leaned back blindly, falling into the bed and pulling Shizuru with her.


	7. Chapter 7

* * *

**Chapter 7**  
 _When the storm rises up, when the shadows descend_  
Every beat of my heart, every day without end  
I will stand like a rock, I will bend till I break  
Till there's no more to give, if that's what it takes 

* * *

Without a thought of pretense, they'd slipped between the sheets, tangling in an embrace.

At first, it was tentative, and not only a little nerve wracking. This was something new, and deeply desire, but also, it was a treasure trove that Shizuru had never imagined she would be gifted. Even if Natsuki did love her, after all, she hadn't any idea just how deep that love could go...something she had worried about, though, when she loomed over the woman of midnight tresses, she found no hints of doubt within emerald eyes.

Worry, nervousness...hints of excitement, traces of longing...all of it swirled deeply and Shizuru could have drown in those emotions all day, if she were to allow herself to. Both women hesitantly lingered unmoving, slow on the uptake. There was even a moment in time, upon reflection, when Shizuru considered that now might not be the right time. Though, that eventually became dashed to bits, it was no small feat for either of them.

Baited breaths and shallow sighs seemed to be the only admissions they were willing to gift each other, a blush staining Natsuki's cheeks. Though, Shizuru was not without her own modesty, remembering a few times she'd averted her eyes, or bit her lip in worry, wondering perhaps if she was inadequate in any way. Natsuki depended on her, looking for guidance, and trust within crimson orbs, needing the reassurance as a person needed air to breath.

Yet, Shizuru found that was hard to give the emerald eyed woman such a thing, considering Shizuru herself found that she needed the same in return.

At first, they'd spent an agonizing long time merely kissing, though wandering hands could find places to be, and not all of those places were innocent. Still, it took an accident, one a noteworthy stroke of luck, that one of Shizuru's bows came undone, and with it, so too, part of her nightgown. She was thankful for that, because that was enough to give her the courage she'd desperately needed. If Natsuki knew it or not, she was a fiercely intimidating woman. One that Shizuru loved so deeply, so desperately, that she couldn't help but feel just a little addled when her fingertips found sensitive spots that she'd only dreamed of merely months before.

That in and of itself, would have been enough, but Natsuki's return of affections were beyond that of bliss. It went beyond her dreams, because Natsuki desired it, and Shizuru and found herself quaking at that. Even as they remained in that tangled embrace hours later. Tired, and only a little sore, Shizuru was sure this leap hadn't been one Natsuki had simply jumped headfirst into blindly.

Yet, the blush was still staining her cheeks, even now, every time her eyes caught a glimpse of tantalizing flesh that lingered just under the covers. "What are you thinking?" Shizuru had wondered that for a few staggering moments now, having watched Natsuki's eyes avert themselves for the umpteenth time.

"Nothing really." Still, she slid further under the covers, hiding her face in the pillow. _Just that you're really beautiful...okay, yeah...and this is still kinda weird._ "I just can't believe I never really noticed it before." Natsuki's words were muffled by the pillow, but still loud and clear enough that Shizuru could hear her. "I mean, I know I never really looked before...but..." Natsuki couldn't understand it, but she could clearly feel the warmth sending flames up her body whenever she thought about what they'd just done. _But now the question is...did she really enjoy it like I think she did, or was she just being- okay, no, not going there. Bad move idiot...bad move._ "How could I not have noticed?"

"I hope you realize that I haven't the slightest clue what you're talking about." Shizuru said softly, running her fingers through long tendrils of midnight tresses. "Enlighten me?" Her request was met with Natsuki's shoulders stiffening for a moment before the younger woman relaxed, and reflexively, Shizuru began to draw soothing circles on Natsuki's back, as if somehow, that would coax out an answer.

"This question is only going to sound stupid." Natsuki muttered dryly, though she sighed as she turned to face the woman who was eying her with hints of worry. "I was just wondering why I never really noticed how beautiful you were before. It was like, I always knew it, in the back of my head..." _But I never really did take the time to just admire her body...and dear god..._ Natsuki put her face back into the pillow at that. _I'm turning into a pervert!_ She released a long suffering sigh, trying to cool her cheeks, and the raging inferno that was trying to set a new fire into her very core. "Sorry, I really shouldn't be thinking about some of this stuff."

"I don't see why not." Shizuru said softly, as she turned on her side, to face Natsuki. "You know, it's funny, Natsuki. Before I met you, I always thought that perhaps I was just a little willful. I always seemed to take the longest time, at least, when it came down to doing the things I enjoyed. Sadly, when it came down to being a reasonable and responsible person, sometimes I threw away my obligations." She couldn't remember how many times she'd actually tricked Haruka into taking over some of her work. "Most of them didn't truly seem important, but, you weren't like that."

"Tell that to my failing grades." Natsuki's marks were ones of nearly an abysmal nature. They both knew that. "But anyway...I mean it...there's just some stuff I really shouldn't think about."

"I wish you'd tell me." Her voice was as smooth as a liquid heat, and she by now, such a thing could easily do many things to people. For Natsuki, she wondered just what seemed to perch in the back of the woman's mind. "You were such an enigma that I wanted to try to figure you out." Though, Shizuru knew that was nearly impossible. "You know, I've gotten pretty good at reading you." Still, there were times like now, that were uncharted, unknown, and Shizuru doubted she'd ever fully find her way out of such a forest. "Still, as adept as I am, there are times, like now, when I can't understand. I feel just as perplexed, as the day we first met."

"It was just me being stupid." Though as Natsuki said that, she turned to face Shizuru again. "I was wondering...if reality could ever actually be as good as the dream." Her heart throbbed when a low, small chuckle slipped from between Shizuru's lips. _It even sounds stupid to say._ A hand came up to sweep away a stray lock of midnight hair, so that emerald eyes couldn't hide, not even a tiny bit. _Why do you have to give me that kind of look?_ "I told you it wasn't anything important."

"My dreams are so different from this, that sometimes they become nightmares. That's why this could never even compare. You aren't a shadow of something I've pushed away." The knowledge that Natsuki would even worry about that, made Shizuru wonder just other qualities might continue to peek out from under the surface over time. "You're right here, and that means the world to me." _Why do you make me so at ease?_ "Even though there are times I don't look it, there are times I get petrified. For the longest time, I would find myself having a warm dream that gave me some measure of solace, but then, I would just wake up alone." _That would hurt so much...but you're here, so it can't be a dream._

"But you aren't alone." Natsuki said then, with baited breath. _You've never truly been alone, Shizuru...not since that time. I won't let you be._ "This might sound weird, but, what's your family like?" Natsuki asked then, suddenly. It was always a troubling subject between them, and Natsuki made it a point to never talk about things like that. She never wanted to know, and always brushed off any talk about families. "I know that's something most people talk about...but I just never really wanted to think about it."

"My family by blood, it isn't the same as the friends I like to believe I've made." The lack in a reply, made the topic into one of little importance. "That is to say, Natsuki, that I'm simply not overtly close to my family one way or the other." As withdrawn as it was, the softness that lingered in every soft touch, or murmured word, was enough to paint the picture. A delicate one, not unlike that of a sheltered soul. "There are some people in life that you meet, and they become a part of a person's world. In that way, Natsuki, you've become mine. I often find that there's little else that matters, though, as I've said, I've always been such the person to ignore uninteresting things." It was mostly because life, even in all of its glory, and been rather dull without Natsuki around.

"So, when you find something you take an interest in, you protect it." It was a dual truth. A reflection at best, a paradox at worst. "No matter what that cost is." How many times had they fumbled though such unknowing, ill planned moments? Ones where life just seemed complete, and yet, totally out of their grasp. This was yet another time when Natsuki's heart felt such a pull. _I guess there really isn't anything wrong with that..._ "The reason I ask, is because I never thought anything like this could happen in my life, so...now that it's here, it seems like there's nothing to do." Utterly out of their grasp, and without any warning. "What kind of future would you want, if you had to make one up as you go along?"

"I couldn't begin to tell you." Shizuru said then, as a smile played across her features. "Because, you see, that's what we're doing right now. So, who knows where it could take us."


	8. 8

* * *

**Chapter 8**  
 _I will risk everything, I will fight, I will bleed_  
I will lay down my life, if that's what you need  
Every second I live, that's the promise I make  
Baby, that's what I'll give, if that's what it takes 

* * *

"The hell?" Natsuki's way of answering her phone in the mornings were always colorful, especially if she had still been sleeping. She hadn't even taken the liberty to look at her caller identification.

"Thank god! Where are you?" A voice, one that had become so natural to hear squawking at her came though the ear piece. "You didn't get into an accident did you?"

"What?" Natsuki was not in the least bit amused when she picked up her buzzing cell phone with a growl in her voice, not at all pleased with the fact that it had dragged her rather unceremoniously out of slumber. "No!" Slowly though, the haze started to clear up. "No...No, Mai it's nothing like that." She sighed into her pillow. "I'm fine...what are you, stupid? Like I would crash out." _Always so paranoid._

"It wouldn't be the first time you've done something insane! You'd better come back soon, or you're going to miss class." Mai yelled at her, like the mother hen she pretended to be. "Summer school starts tomorrow, or did you forget about that?"

"Shit..." Natsuki sighed, still forging pleasantness. _God I hate summer class._ "Yeah, I forgot..." In fact, she was going to be held back a year if she didn't go deal with those teachers of hers. "Check my class list, would you?" _Of all the things to forget about._

"You start the same time I do, ten in the morning. Midori's corralling us for our history lectures." Mai told Natsuki, though her voice indicated she wasn't at all happy with her best friend. "You would know all about this if you just checked in every now and then. I've been worried sick! You don't call, you don't text, and with the fact that your bike was missing..." Mai sighed, not only a little angry. "Mikoto thought you ran away or something...you've gotta be more aware of the fact that people do worry about you."

"Chill out, Jesus, I can take care of myself." Natsuki turned over, seeing the amusement that sparkled in crimson eyes. _Who does Mai think I am?_ She flipped the phone upright, so that it turned on the speaker phone. "You can tell I'm not dead or anything." _It's not like I'm Mikoto...no need to keep tabs on me._ "So just calm down, okay?" Natsuki mumbled with a calm sigh.

"Natsuki..." Mai's voice wavered dangerously, and the implication behind the words were enough to send Shizuru into a fit of silent goggles. "I refuse to ask again." Mai's tone was on the verge of going on another rant. Emerald eyes shot wide open at that, knowing well of one of Mai's rants. "Where are you?"

"Shizuru!" Natsuki barked quickly at the top of her lungs. "I'm with Shizuru, so don't freak out anymore." As Natsuki said this, Shizuru released the joyous laughter from her mouth. "See, she's right here." _That's not helping...damn it, Shizuru._

"No, I can't see." Mai sighed, though she seemed calmer than before. "I can hear her though...take me off speaker, now."

"Why?" At that Natsuki became puzzled.

"Just do it!" Mai shouted at her.

"Alright!" Natsuki shouted back at her best friend. She flipped that part of the phone back down, and held the receiver to her ear. "Alright, it's off speaker. Now what did you want to tell me?" _If this is a lecture, I'm going to hang up._

Mai was quiet for a moment, before her voice came though the phone again, this time, much more like her usual sisterly tone. "You really had me worried." Natsuki wondered if Mai's call was a good thing or not, with the way she acted as if Natsuki had fallen off of the face of the earth. "I still am a little bit, actually." Though, in truth, that was a good assumption at this point. "Is everything honestly alright?"

"Yeah, it's fine." Natsuki frowned and got out of bed, grabbing her underwear that had been tossed off to the side the day before. "I'm sorry if I worried you, but it's okay now." She turned to look at Shizuru, but the woman of fawn tresses could only shrug her shoulders in reply, still highly amused by Natsuki impromptu disturbance. "So what's up?" She when into Shizuru's closet, grabbing a shirt to borrow, and pulled it around her form, though she didn't bother to button it.

"Nothing, I only called to make sure you were okay." Mai said in answer. "Now that I know you're with Shizuru, I'm at ease. In any case, you shouldn't go missing like that." It was only after Mai had a moment to breath that she finally calmed a bit. "Are you guys...umm...not fighting anymore?"

"No, we aren't fighting." Natsuki rolled her eyes in Shizuru's general direction, and then made obscene motions meant to directed at the cell phone. "I'll tell you about it later, I promise, but now just isn't a good time for it." The most animated one being when she pretended to break it in half. "I'll be in the dorms tonight...but I haven't grabbed my summer books yet...think you can bum me a few?"

"Sure thing..." Mai agreed. "And Natsuki?"

"What?" The woman of raven tresses grumbled.

"We support you." Mai's words were slow and carefully placed. "Even if you are like _that_...or have a romance like it."

"Mai, what the hell!" Natsuki growled as a blush invaded her cheeks. "What's really gotten into you?"

"Natsuki, I'm being truthful. So listen..." Mai became soft at that. "You're always so grumpy, and ever since...all of the stuff we all went through...you've been even worse...you were never like that before...when you and Shizuru were close." Then, it was as if Mai brushed off the thing she wanted to say. "I would be happy...if you got closer to her...or something." Mai struggled, unsure really what to say. "So, don't worry about it, okay?"

"Y-yeah...okay." Natsuki gave the phone an odd look and sighed as she hung up, looking to Shizuru with a bemused smile on her face. "She supports me?" Natsuki shook her head. "Mai's got her heads in the clouds again." It had brought Natsuki a little bit of comfort to hear those words, though she would ever admit it. With that bit of untamed truth, she slowly sat on the bed, and wrinkled her brows. "Not that I really care if friends know about this...but..." She sighed, and looked at her lover. "Do you think your fans will get a bit crazy?"

"Fans don't have to know." _Though, they will find out eventually, Natsuki. There isn't anything we can do to avoid that, I'm afraid._ "I would actually rather that they didn't find out about us." It was likely inevitable that some would, eventually, and then the rumor mill would explode with expectations, but until that at least, they were safe. "It would be best if we remained discrete." _At least then we could have peace and quiet when it truly mattered._ With a sigh, she licked her lips, thinking about the little matter of her parents and her closest friends. "I'm in the public eye enough as it is, so for right now, it would be best not to air it."

"From the sounds of it, Mai already knows." Natsuki said then, still a bit rattled. "She's a blabber mouth about some things, but I don't think she'll go telling everyone else about this." In fact, Natsuki knew that Mai wouldn't dare. "I can't make any promises about Mikoto though."

"Yes...well that girl is quite innocent, now isn't she?" _I doubt she would think of the ramifications of blurting out a personal matter._ "Natsuki, I think we're going to have to settle with the fact that our cover will be blown quicker than we intend for it to be." With that, she sat up, and pulled the woman of her dreams into an embrace. "That won't be a problem for you, will it?" Shizuru asked gently. _It may be out of our control, people do talk, despite the best of intentions._

"It really depends." Natsuki said then, allowing herself to melt into Shizuru's comforting hug. "I want Mai to know, because I know she cares about seeing me be happy." _The fact I can actually go to her for advice is an added bonus._ "But, I don't think I like Chie or Nao knowing right off the bat. As soon as they hear anything, the entire school would implode with gossip." _Mai's just stupid anyway...thinking I'd got hurt or something...she was probably fishing around._ "Anyway, I think I'll be okay." Natsuki had to hope so, at the very least. "Will you?"

Shizuru felt her heart darken just a little before she swallowed away a bit of her not so happy memories. "I will." She said then, though, she held onto Natsuki just a little tighter. _I might be..._ She thought while burying her face into the crook of Natsuki's neck. "But Natsuki...I would be lying, if I didn't admit I'm just a little uneasy." _I have my dream...so...why do I feel so hesitant._ "I understand that we can't stay here forever. Life must continue on, after all..." _However, I'd rather just stay here...where I feel safe, and happy._ "We both agreed, that some people may not approve...I know I'll never be fully ready to face that down, it isn't something one can prepare for." _But...when it comes to Natsuki...rationality is not my strongest gift._ "However, I wonder, are we truly ready for them, to see us?"

"I don't know." Natsuki pulled away, looking into the fragility that seemed to draw her in. _We will have to face the world again, even if we don't want to._ "But, I've got class tomorrow, so, we have to go back to the dorms tonight." Natsuki's eyes crinkled a bit aggravated at that. "I trust Mai." Natsuki took a breath. "She's slowly becoming like family to me, Shizuru...so, I would like it, if you stayed in the dorm with me tonight." With a sigh, she forced herself to become okay with being a little more open about others. "I want you to get to know Mai and Mikoto better...I'd like you to know them like I do."

"If that's what Natsuki wishes." Shizuru nodded. "How could I possibly deny a request such as that?"


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Only the epilogue to go after this. Kinda an emotional scene between Mai and Shizuru...I hope you've enjoyed this ride, because the next chapter is effectively the end of the story. THis is also the longest chapter too, odd, huh?
> 
> I don't own Mai HiME, nor do I own the song.

Chapter 9  
Through the wind and the rain, through the smoke and the fire  
When the fear rises up, when the waves ever higher  
I will lay down my heart, my body, my soul  
I will hold on all night and never let go  
Every second I live, that's the promise I make  
Baby, that's what I'll give, if that's what it takes

"The dorm is probably clean, but don't be surprised if my stuff is still all jumbled in the corner. As much as Mai tries to keep her side of the room clean, mine's normally a tornado. Mikoto's stuff is normally thrown in someplace as well. We just got a few storage cabinets, but I haven't put them together yet, and I'm sure Mai hasn't had the time." Even if she did have the time, she would know better than to try to do it with Mikoto around. Natsuki sighed at that, as they made their way through the complex. "I should probably warn you, Mikoto's been getting really clingy with other people recently."

"That isn't unusual, Mikoto is fond of you." Shizuru smirked then. "You have given her plenty of help after all."

"Yeah, yeah." Natsuki muttered as she stuffed her hands into her pockets. "She's growing, so I'm going to have to take her shopping for a new bra soon." Natsuki sounded aggravated, but truly, it was her passion. "She's been bugging me more and more about that, actually." Her puppy followed them slightly from behind. Occasionally it would stray away, and she would call it back to her side before it could get lost. "I just hope I don't become her favorite person to annoy."

"You act as if she's troublesome." Though, that wild child isn't easy to control, that's for sure. "I find it endearing that she goes to you for advice. It means she can trust you, Natsuki, and I think that's a good thing." She offered a soft smile, trying to alleviate the agitation she could see, twisting its way around Natsuki's body. She's changed because of them, Mikoto is also to thank. "I remember a time, when you would have just picked a fight with a person like her, and pushed her away."

"We still get into fights." It was a dry retort, but Natsuki didn't elaborate as she came to her door. It was with sweaty palms, and a twinge of something not completely at ease, that Natsuki had opened the door to the room she shared with Mai on campus. It wasn't any surprise, of course, that Mikoto had lunged out as soon as she'd caught sight of Natsuki. "Gah! Let go, dammit!" Pain in the ass! God, she's such a little kid. "Get off me." She tried to pry Mikoto off with no small effort, but, the girl would not budge.

"No!" Mikoto had insisted upon it. "It's your fault!"

"Damn you!" Natsuki roared when Mikoto started nuzzling her breasts. "I'm not Mai!" Shizuru's giggle fit wasn't helping at all either. "Don't just stand there! Help me get her off."

Mai cold only sigh at that, when Natsuki couldn't pry the girl away. "Alright, that's enough, Mikoto. You'll make Natsuki run away again, if you keep that up." She finally came to the door to coax Mikoto away expertly, although, at that point, Mai only became a human perch again. "It really is your fault, you know." Mai said then, mostly in jest, as she ushered the two women inside. "If you'd just keep in better contact, we wouldn't have to worry so much." When she closed the door, she turned to bow in Shizuru's general direction. "Thank you, for watching over her. This place isn't as clean as I would like it to be, but please, make yourself at home."

She went back to the stove and continued stirring her pot carefully. Mai's instant noodles were considered the best around, and so, she found that was just as common at the table as rice seemed to be. It only made sense, after all, that she serve them to Shizuru too, something Mai was almost positive Natsuki would insist on. "So, where were you guys anyway?" Mai asked a bit awkwardly as she pulled a bottle of mayonnaise from the refrigerator.

"Hiding." Natsuki replied, almost in a tiny bit of warning.

"It seems to me, like you do that with a lot of things." Mai's voice with cold, and just a little annoyed. "It makes sense you would do it with yourself, too."

"Now wait just a second." Natsuki growled. "I have never gone hiding from you on purpose, I just sort of forget to inform you." That latter part of Natsuki's statement was met with an annoyed sigh. She's really angry about this, weird. I didn't know Mai would hold a grudge about it. "I'm still not used to it...you can beat me up if you want...if that makes you feel better."

"That isn't an excuse." Mai said then in a motherly tone. "I told you, I don't like it."

Shizuru could sense Mai's discomfort. It was as if she hadn't any clue what to say, or how to say it. The idea of small talk was lost on her. The normally easy going carrot top was edgy, and it was clear that Natsuki was the same. The only thing Shizuru wasn't sure of, is if this was normal or not. The two of them fought often, Natsuki complained about it enough, and Mai was the type to scold Natsuki freely. However, this was different, and Shizuru could feel the unease, as if it were a very creature within the room. "I'm sorry." Shizuru said softly.

"What?" Mai asked, turning around to look at Shizuru, almost shocked.

"Why?" That one was Natsuki, and Shizuru saw two sets of eyes level confusion at her. "Why are you sorry?" Natsuki asked again.

"I can see the disagreement in the air, that's due to me, isn't it?" It was less a question, and more an observation that Shizuru left no debate for. "Mai, you truly are having difficulty accepting this, aren't you?"

"Natsuki, idiot! This is what I was talking about before. Make your intentions clear!" Mai shouted, throwing a ladle clear across the room. "No, Shizuru, I don't have a problem with...that." Mai struggled, as she turned the pot low, to simmer. "I'm not angry, about you being..." It's a bit odd...but I think it's fine. "Like that...with Natsuki."

"It's true." Natsuki said, as she picked up the offending piece of cookery that had thankfully missed her, but only because she'd ducked. "Mai's pissy about something else...I just don't know what that is." At that she crossed her arms. What have you been snooping around in, Mai? "See what you did, acting all high strung about something? You've upset Shizuru."

"You don't get to use her as a shield for this one." Mai said then with her hands on her hips. "I told you, no pornography in the room, and what do I find Mikoto looking at on page sixty-six?" Mai slammed the magazine onto the table. "Go ahead, tell me what I, or Mikoto might find if I were to look there."

"We've been through this." Natsuki sighed exasperated, holding up her hands, as if to form a pleading truce. "It isn't like I'm looking at the pages that have those types of things in them. I'm looking at the cars and bikes." Now she knew what this was about, and under Shizuru's questioning gaze, Natsuki blushed deeply. "The premier magazine for bike deals and adverts for events come in this one." Natsuki said in the way of an apology. "Mai doesn't like it."

"There's naked girls in it!" Mikoto offered, as Natsuki paled.

A bit questioningly, and with a tiny bit of amusement, Shizuru picked up the paperback copy. "Natsuki's been ogling other women, has she?"

"No, Shizuru." Don't be a pervert! It isn't like that... "I was looking at the bikes." Natsuki said again, putting emphases on that fact, until Shizuru turned to the page in question. "I can't help that they plaster women all over the place in these things."

"Natsuki...dear..." Shizuru said her name carefully, while licking her lips, a tiny blush of her own. "With all due respect, the bike isn't the first thing I noticed, either." Though, one has to admit, this is tastefully done. "Just how do you suppose that one would ride a motorcycle like that?" I wonder if Natsuki would be inclined to want to try something like this? "Though, I wouldn't call it pornographic by any means, these women are covered...if not somewhat obscurely."

"See, Mai!" Natsuki cheered in victory. "I told you it wasn't porn."

"No, but I can also see why it would be unfit for this dorm." Shizuru sad then, closing up the book, looking at Mikoto, a clear hint that she was talking about the girl in question. "It is a bit, shall we say, licentious, for particular groups of people." Surely, she only meant the one naive girl in the room, but it was enough to win Mai the victory.

"I can't catch a break, can I?" Natsuki sighed then, when Mai began to ladle the food into large bowls.

"No, but you can catch some diner." Mai said as she tossed Natsuki her freshly baked curry bun, doing the same with Mikoto's towards the other girl. "Here, Shizuru." Mai said, putting the woman's plate in front of her. "Eat up, there's plenty more where that came from."

…

Mikoto was the first one to fall asleep, right on the call of lights out. Natsuki and Shizuru shared one bed, and Mikoto and Mai shared the other. Shizuru had only found it a little odd that both of the beds were pressed together, but Mai had explained that it was because it gave the room more space, which was undoubtedly true, especially since Natsuki's side of the room had three foot lockers, two of which containing her newly growing collection of unmentionables. Shizuru also noted, that if it continue to grow at the rate that it was currently, Natsuki would need another locker before the end of the summer.

So, when Natsuki and Mikoto were both effectively dead to the world, something that came easily to both of them, though they would never dare admit it, Shizuru found herself caught up in a good book. Mai found herself engrossed with studying, least she bomb another history test completely. When Shizuru's crimson eyes looked over to regard Mai, she noticed the carrot top had been watching her as well. Finally, Shizuru thought it might be time to dispel a little elephant that seemed to be trumpeting in the room since her arrival.

She licked her lips, and sighed before running her fingers through midnight tresses, if only to keep herself calm. "I love her, you know." Shizuru knew Mai had been tiptoeing around the topic entirely, as if it were glass, and though she was unsure why, she had a feeling it wasn't due to Natsuki's more closeted disposition...in fact, Shizuru felt that was likely the furthest thing from the case, considering Natsuki was more open with Mai than anyone else. Including me, on occasion...she really takes comfort in Mai, I think. She noticed that Mai blushed and looked away. Mai's an important friend for her.

"I know you do." Mai said a bit softer than she intended. "And, Natsuki has felt the same about you for a while...she's so annoying about it too." She put her book on her nightstand and turned back to face Shizuru, Mikoto making a small whimper of protest. Mai scooted up a bit, forcing the younger girl to relocate her favorite place to rest her sleepy head. "I'm glad Natsuki finally did something about it."

"It's because I love her, that I know she needs your support." Shizuru said then, knowing that to be the case. "She comes to you for advice a lot, doesn't she?"

"I guess." Mai said then, a little unsure about that. "I never really thought about it like that." Still, how many times had Natsuki end loitering around, asking odd, if not damning questions about romantic relations? How many times has she fumbled around, slamming down books that spoke deeply of that nature...and how many movies had she disinterestedly stared at, instead of finding something interesting to do?

How many times had Natsuki seemed to withdraw at the mere mention of Shizuru's name, and then suddenly look sad? "Natsuki's a bit haphazard when it comes to things like that, so I could never tell what her real problem was. I only knew that she was afraid to really talk to you about it. I knew it had something to do with everything." Any thought beyond that, Mai blocked away, not daring to question things any deeper. Now though, she knew for sure.

"Are you truly okay with this, Mai?" She needs you to truly be okay with this. She wrapped her arms a bit protectively around Natsuki then. "Knowing what we are, doesn't bother you in the slightest?"

"If it does, it's only because I don't know what to say about it." Mai finally gave in that much. "The reason Natsuki and I are good friends, is because we can just blurt out whatever we want, and we get it...and we don't take things personally." However, can I do the same with Shizuru? "Natsuki and I also supported each other a lot, back during things that I'd..." With a breath, she rolled Mikoto off of her, and sat on the edge of her bed. "Can we talk outside?" Mai asked, pointing to the small balcony. "I don't want them to hear this, if they start to wake up."

"If you wish it." Shizuru nodded, easing out of Natsuki's hold easily. Natsuki just rolled over with a soft, slightly annoyed growl, but she didn't open her eyes. Both of the women pattered outside, and Mai leaned on the railing heavily. Shizuru took the only seat that could be afforded in the tiny space. At first, they both remained quiet, Shizuru's lack of a subject primarily because Mai seemed so lost in thought. Finally, when the carrot top gripped the metal bars, painted with a light color of cream, Shizuru noticed that Mai had seemed to come to a conclusion. What's so troubling, I wonder?

"I lost my brother..." Mai began softly. "I lost Tate..." She continued, her mouth feeling dry. "Everything I'd ever had, it was just gone." Mai said, feeling her heart clench when she took herself back to that time. "Mikoto wasn't around anymore either, and I felt guilty, because I pushed her away." With a breath that was hard to keep steady, and a voice that wouldn't stop trembling, Mai regarded Shizuru carefully. "But, everything was gone anyway...even Chie and Aoi had left to go to a safe place." Mai swallowed hard. "Natsuki and I, we were the only ones left...and everything was so broken around us...and the thing is, the entire time, we cried when the other one wasn't looking, and forced smiles when we were together...and then, I had to watch her leave too...and I knew when she turned the corner, she wasn't going to come back." That truth had been so painful, Mai doubted she could ever truly explain it.

Even now, at the memory of such a time, tears would easily fill her eyes. "I remember standing there, thinking to myself, that I finally got it." Mai said when the droplets finally stated to fall. "How she felt inside...all the times she said she wasn't doing it for us...about how she wanted revenge...it just made so much sense to me then." She couldn't help it, but she felt no shame in it either. "Natsuki knew then...or rather she thought then...that there was no going back." She pulled the tears away from her eyes, her voice becoming harsh from the strain. "I felt so helpless, because I felt like there was nothing I could really do...and I thought to myself, that if she had to grow up that way...feeling like that-"

"How awful it would be." Shizuru said quietly standing up, a bit on edge as she wondered what to do. Perhaps this is what ties them so closely together...it surely must be. Why else would Mai be so willing to be worried, even now? "I was awful back then, to not consider anyone's feeling, my own were all that mattered to me, I'm afraid."

"It was one thing when my mom died, Shizuru." Mai said then, finally able to control her tears. "It hurt, but I had other things to believe in." When they were gone, when everything she'd ever found to wrap herself in, once it had finally been taken, there was no one left. "But during the carnival, once Natsuki left, everything I thought I understood, it was so wrong." Her assumptions couldn't have ever been further away from the real feeling. "I can't help but resent knowing what it feels like...what Natsuki must have felt like growing up...and knowing your the cause of why I understand that feeling..because she went after you...and that was the last piece, just gone." Yet, pained though it was, and etched in something far deeper than Shizuru would dare to question, a soft smile came to her face. "However it's because I know that feeling, that I could never begrudge Natsuki any happiness that she may receive. Does that make sense?"

"Yes." Shizuru said then, the night a dark serenity among them. "If it eases you, I will say this." Will it ease her? I've no idea. "Natsuki will always be a person that we will need to reach for, because as you say, her past is something nearly unreachable...however, Mai, you have reached it. You have felt something I've been trying to feel for years. I've been trying to ascertain how to heal those wounds. In that, you have a part of her that I will never have." Is it worth it, Mai? Is smiling after everything...is it truly worth it? "Tell me, now that everything's back...can you say you're at peace...that such a feeling is gone?"

"No." Mai told her softly. "The memory is fresh...it's raw" Mai shook her head. "If what your asking me, is if I think Natsuki will ever heal completely from it, the answer is that she can't...never completely...knowing how I felt, I know that could never happen." It may not be reversible..but... "It's because it can't happen...that she'll love you all the more. She'll hold on more tightly, because God forbid anyone else gets taken away from her like that ever again...she'll cling onto you so much tighter because of what's happened...I know that for a fact...because she went after you."


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Yeah, long wait on this last chapter. The problem was that it was difficult to get the last scene to actually end up befitting for the conclusion to this tenth chapter. This fiction was one of my favorites thus far to write, purely because the lack of eventfulness made it all the more serene, something I have a fondness for. So, that said, I hope you enjoy this last chapter.
> 
> I don't own Mai HiME...or the song.

Chapter 10  
If that's what it takes  
Every day  
If that's what it takes  
Every day

"I don't know what I was expecting." Shizuru shook her head, a soft smile on her face as she leaned over her assignment. "surely, it wasn't this." Reaching for a lemon flavored cookie, fresh out of the oven, occupied her attention for only a moment. "I just, I'm happy." Shizuru said as she took notice of her pen, sitting upon her newest draft for a written essay. "I was afraid at first, and a little bit skeptical."

"Yeah, it's a good thing though, I think." Mai nodded, looking at the door yet again. "Natsuki should have been back by now." Mai grumbled as she got up to check on the food she had simmering low and slow on the burners. "I wonder where she went this time."

"You know how Natsuki is." Shizuru knew well, exactly where Natsuki was, and she closed her eyes with a small sigh. That time of year again, Natsuki can't help but go missing for a few days here and there. "She'll be back tonight, that's why I'll be staying over. Natsuki has class in the morning, so I know she'll be back."

"Her attendance is getting bad again." Mai shook her head. "Not as bad as before, but, she still skips class at least every other week."

"She's fond of her long weekends." It was perhaps being a bad influence, but Shizuru allowed it, only because Natsuki was a terror without at least one extra day off to relax. "It won't hurt her as bad as before, provided that her work is all correct."

"Natsuki didn't run away again?" Mikoto asked from her space on the bed, chewing on the pillow in her grasp. "She didn't, right?" the feral girl asked, jumping off the bed, landing near her usual seat at low table.

"No, she didn't run away." Shizuru said then. "She just needs a little time, that's all. Natsuki will be back, Mikoto." She knew it with all of her heart, but something still bothered her. She looked down to the pen in her hand, frowning a bit. Does Mai even know? Her lips were dry, and so she felt the urge to gulp down her tea, even if she only took a sip of it instead. Emulating an action she'd come to see often, she put her hand atop Mikoto's head, rubbing the soft, short hair that always sat messily atop her head. "She had an errand to run." It was odd, just what a simple action could do. The young teen was so easily appeased, and always in a chipper mood because of it. If only Natsuki could be so easy to quell. It just often wasn't the case. Ah, but that wouldn't be her temperament, now would it? She mentally chided herself at the indulgence to even ponder something so unlike her often brash rebel.

"Hmm." She purred in appreciation, and understanding. "She runs errands a lot." The answer, simply one of acceptance, came forth easily, as Mikoto continued enjoying the feeling of the attention. "She better come home soon, or she'll miss out on dinner."

"That means more for you." Shizuru told her, pulling her hand away so that she could get back to work. "I haven't got time to be slacking off, and yet, the things Natsuki seems to encourage within me." Shizuru told the women that kept her company. "Honestly, that woman is turning me into a potato." It was true, she often sat around, waiting for Natsuki to finish her errands, if only she could spend time with the woman of irate tendencies.

I suppose that's my own determination at play. However, I really did want to see her come home at a reasonable hour tonight. Though, some things just weren't meant for her, and Natsuki, was still Natsuki to a fault. Protective, and just a little secretive. Still, even so, Shizuru had a good inkling of just where her lover had gone hiding. On a day like today, there could only be one place. Even the weather is befitting of it. She sighed to herself. "Natsuki is quite fond of having her alone time, you see."

"Natsuki could just tell you where she's going. That would be easier, wouldn't it?" Mai asked then, starting to learn well of Shizuru's tiny cues, of which, many dared not observe. "Making you worry about her, really, I should smack her upside of the head."

"No, I'm afraid that in this situation, it isn't my place to worry." Shizuru licked her lips then, and folded her hands on the table. "Natsuki goes off on her own three times a year at least. One of the times, just so happens to be the anniversary of her mother's death. The second, you'll likely find her meandering about in the streets of Fuka, bar hopping no doubt, though, she never drinks while she's there." The final place, well, that too, had it's own meaning. "Right about now, she's safe. I'm sure of it."

"Why's that?" Mai asked then, coming to sit back down. "do you know where she is?"

After a calculating sip of tea, Shizuru nodded. "The flowerbeds aren't exactly a threat."

"She's lost in the flowerbeds..." Mai muttered lamely. "And why in the world, would she be there?"

Shizuru only let a small hum, and a smile slip though her mask. "Natsuki's a person who tends to recall several things. Often at times, when the memory is pertinent to remember." The issue was less a true problem, and more of a tiny pet peeve. "The problem is, she never exactly shares the significance to such ordeals, or why the places in which she spends her time, mean so much to her." It was a gentle shrug, but one that gifted it own brand of meaning. "I doubt she's squashing the flowers this time, but even even if she were, that wouldn't surprise me." She never has told me...such a stubborn face it was back then, so petulant, like a child. "Natsuki's always been very withdrawn to share such things, but, the hints are there, occasionally."

…

Natsuki's subtleties were very abstract, and highly insecure. They were gentle, and fleeting. Harsh, and cold...and, they were warm, filled with fondness that Shizuru herself would never comprehend. She would never date to try, because that well was simply deeper than she could dive. You could have told me, but at what cost to her time alone. Natsuki liked to reflect, and liked to do it without anyone over her shoulder.

And yet, Natsuki, I too have my part to play, least you forget. In fact, there was something about today, that Shizuru had noticed, though she would never admit it. Meeting Natsuki as she had, in the manner in which she had, eventually brought Shizuru to believe that Natsuki's rather flagrant disregard to school policy, meant that Natsuki actually hid there often in the past. No one would bother you there, or so you assumed.

After all, Natsuki was indeed so cold, and yet so warm, this very day, a muggy contrast the utter truth of the matter. She wondered what she might find along the sopping wet grasses, and puddles on the paved paths. Shizuru knew however, that if Natsuki had indeed come this way, like usual, there was only place she could be.

The gardens were secluded, and not meant for the students to go romping around in, and yet, many found the time, and the opportunity to do so. And, why wouldn't we? She thought, knowing that even a place as tranquil as this, was once looming with many unseen dangers. How many orphans had she herself cut away, in her time of keeping to herself? Hiding her nature, if only to protect the person most important, had become Shizuru's greed, once in her life. Here, even the most beautiful of things, were once a shadowy enemy.

It just so happened, that she just couldn't see Natsuki's demon back then.

A young girl with midnight hair, about to clutch onto a helpless little flower. So much rage...so very angry...and yet, so sad. Shizuru had never before, gazed upon such a bitter girl. The feelings were so forthcoming, that she doubted Natsuki even noticed it at the time. Yet, whatever demon lurked for that girl, Shizuru knew, it wasn't like the ones most teens had to face. It was unlike the normal uncertainties of adolescence...and it could never have been about romance, back then, that much was clear. So, when she took notice of the girl, Natsuki was instantly a quandary, and...though Natsuki hadn't known it then, Shizuru was of inquisitive natures...surely, that was why.

So, even today, when the weather was completely abysmal, Natsuki would surely be here.

The rain was only dropping enough to make the sky an ugly color, and make everything around it wet, without actually pouring down. If the sky wasn't so cloudy, the sun would be setting, just beyond the trees. If it wasn't so cold, she wouldn't have to wear the shall that covered her shoulders. If it was like that afternoon, the breeze wouldn't cut to the core, like it did today.

Still, Shizuru knew it was because of that afternoon, that Natsuki was in her usual hiding place. Standing like a statue, hard and unmoving. Yes, she'd seen that stance every year, though, it was always a little different. "I wouldn't do that, if I were you." It was an old, and gentle statement of warning.

"I was only going to pick it." Natsuki said then, turning around to lean on the white railing. "I wasn't going to tear it apart, or anything weird."

"These flowers have a place, you see." Shizuru simply told her. "They're right where they belong. They always have been."

"I dunno, they all look the same, to me." Natsuki shrugged offhandedly. "I wouldn't be happy about that. Just being in a place that's the same all the time, that would kinda suck, wouldn't it?"

"Well, the problem you have, is that you can never be quelled." Shizuru told her softly, walking over to also lean on the white fence post. It seemed to need a new coat, if the chips that were missing were any indication. "You're always on the move, as if, nothing can truly keep you in one spot. It really is astonishing to me. I'd often bring myself to think about that, and, in turn, why you'd always go off on your own."

"I can't leave, either." Natsuki told her flatly. "Even if I wanted to just get up and go, can't really do that, now can I?" She crossed her arms with a small huff. "Mai would bite my head off, Mikoto would call my cell phone every few hours crying...the entire idea of leaving would be lost at that point." It wasn't exactly a relaxing thought to think about. "I wasn't lying, about wanting to find myself, and reflect. I feel trapped here, Shizuru. Everything's just, stuck into place." She kicked a pebble at that, watching it skip away into the grass. "It's like, no matter what I do, I can't change that...some people take comfort in it, and it's cool and all...but, that won't work for me."

"Where would you want to go?" The question pulled emerald eyes to meet hers immediately, questions lingering in them that Natsuki wouldn't dare to ask. "If you could go anywhere, where would that place be?"

"It isn't a place." Natsuki finally murmured. "Not exactly, anyway." She looked down to the ground, but the things she happened to be looking for couldn't be found there. Even if she knew that, she just couldn't help herself. "It's more of a mindset." Natsuki finally managed. "Our lives are up in the air someplace, and I just don't feel comfortable, knowing that I don't have some sort of plan."

"I, for one, think that's a good thing." Shizuru told her, taking Natsuki's hands into her own. "No one's tying you down. You don't have to stay here, but it's the fact that you do." That truth brought a warmth to Shizuru's chest. Knowing that Natsuki felt so compelled, was something quite special indeed. "The fact the you've stayed at all, that's a lot from you, and I know it." The woman of midnight tresses was a wild one, she did as she might like, without worrying about others. "I also know you'll come back, you always do."

"I just can't wait to get out of here." The utterance was barely there at all. "These walls are filled with things that just don't fit me anymore. I'm not the same person I was when I first met you, but there's memories of that all over this school, and I hate it." Still, the smell of the freshly cut grass aside, Natsuki couldn't deny, she felt at home here too. As contradictory as that may have been, it was how she truly felt. Taking in the scenery with Shizuru by her side, it just seemed right, her memories be damned by the light that burned the shadows away.

"You're still the same, Natsuki." Shizuru laughed a little, bringing her hand up to cup Natsuki's cheek. "That's why I love you."

"Because I'm an asshole?" The barb she aimed directly at herself missed completely, when Shizuru's lips touched her own. She even let slip a gentle, pleading sigh, as she closed her eyes to block out the world around her, but Shizuru's warmth was fleeting, and the ghosting hints of breath, were also something that couldn't be caught, even when Natsuki opened her eyes, staring into crimson orbs.

"Because you remember days like today, even when you pretend you don't notice." It was after all, the anniversary of the day, now a few years ago, that they'd first met. "You hold things dear to your heart." Though, she looked over at the flowerbed Natsuki had been squinting at earlier. "I'm glad you didn't actually pick the flower...Mikoto would likely try to eat the poor thing."

"I wouldn't put it past her to try." Natsuki finally agreed, sharing in the small bout of humor. "You know, times like this, it's okay." She watched as Shizuru bushed away the droplets of water that had collected on Natsuki's leather jacket. The sounds they made as they pattered to the ground, rang in her ears. "Things make sense, and, I'm not so unsure."

Shizuru just shook her head. "Now, you're just being silly." After that, it began to rain again, as if the slow drizzle hadn't been enough, the droplets began to fall around them. The clouds in the sky grew dark. If it was an omen, the fortune remained questionable, but even that didn't bother either of them.

"So, what if I am?" Natsuki said then, inching closer to Shizuru, pulling offer her jacket, and putting over the woman of fawn tresses, trying to shield her from the rain. Lacking a hood, the best thing she could do was drape it atop Shizuru's head for minimal cover, but then, she stepped underneath too, and the rain hammered upon the leather that protected them. "Gong to get rid of me?" Their breaths mingled, and they were so close. Not even the smell of the rain, could erase the tiny waft of sports deodorant that Natsuki happened to be wearing...nor the small of the potpourri that Shizuru kept in every place in her home, tealeaves apart of that.

"You can stop making jokes." The words were nearly washed away be the sounds of the rain, but Natsuki heard them anyway.

"Do you want me to be serious?" Her hand cupped Shizuru's cheek, both seeing, and feeling the gentle nod, that was barely there at all, as she pushed away the damp tresses of fawn hair, sliding them away from Shizuru's face. "I love you." There they stood, at the beginning of everything, and the end of it all, under the pouring rain. Peace, something they both once thought they would never find, washed over them, and the kiss might as well have begged for them to drown.

By the time they'd gotten back to the dorm room, they were without a doubt dripping wet, and though their bodies were speckled with gooseflesh, the lingering truth of the weather upon them, they were indeed quite warm. The day was average, the night was the same...and if one had to hazard a guess, at the two women sleeping nestled in the bed, they would assume it was due to a lack of space. the dorm was an announcement to the fact.

However, the coy smile would tell a deeper truth to appraising eyes...and if one took the time, and the bold chance to notice, they would see the puddle upon the floor, where soaked cloth screamed, telling tales of melted ice. It'll be alright. Shizuru thought to herself, as she placed her lips upon Natsuki's forehead, pulling the covers up just a little bit more, concealing the fact that they were in the nude. We can do this, it won't be so different. She resigned herself to that, determined to meld that fact into a solid truth.

"Mai's going to catch us." Shizuru told Natsuki softly. "We should dress in something, don't you think?"

Natsuki shook her head. "Not until tomorrow." A soft murmur as she lowered her mouth to play with the sensitive nape of Shizuru's neck. "Mai and Mikoto are crashing with Chie. We have the room to ourselves." Natsuki's voice, utterly lacking in conviction, truly at ease within the muted colors and light that the room afforded them, was so calm. A cool whisper at best, as it danced across Shizuru's flesh.

There was something about that tone, that Shizuru couldn't place, but she didn't dare try either. Instead, she let Natsuki pull her away into the abandonment of desire, and the tranquility of lost harmonies...it didn't matter to hear them, nor to think of them, as they melted into an embrace. It may have not been an unending promise, and there was no way that their feelings could be left behind in stone...like, like that of the rain's unending trickle, would continue on, and would not wait.

So, with tenderness, they held each other fondly, unsure of the tides, and most unwilling to relent their most craved embrace. In order to have any sort of future, they knew in their hearts, that's what it would take.


End file.
